Unchained Memories
by TracyLeeT
Summary: Unchained Memories is the sequel to Forbidden, Enduring Love. Hoss Cartwright must find a way to shed himself of the torturous memories of his captivity. Will his family stand by him as he struggles?
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER ONE**

**Through the window, the rays of dawn's awakening striped the morning air and splattered against the walls of the bedroom. Tiny specks of dust puttered through the shafts of light and danced their way to the ground, and through the peaceful stillness came the hushed sounds of three hearts beating as one.**

**_How many hours did I spend, trapped in Findley's mine, convincin' myself to breathe? Just one more, just one more. _****Hoss's chest rose slowly and honeysuckle flooded his lungs, a soothing balm against his bruised and broken ribs. He tented his fingers and rested his chin along the peak. ****_Some days, breathin' didn't seem worth the pain. And now . . . _****He exhaled and shifted in the plump, overstuffed chair, hoping to ease the lingering aches and twinges. The new position failed to lessen his discomfort, and he grasped the chair's armrests and pushed himself forward, the added tension wearing on his battered wrists and tender arm muscles. Sighing softly, a smile of contentment appeared on his scabbed lips. ****_I didn't think I'd ever enjoy quiet like this again, not after all that time listenin', hopin' to hear somethin', someone. And now . . . now my life's all about listenin' again. But this time, I'm listenin' for . . ._**

**The high-pitched gurgle caught him by surprise. His blue eyes sparkled, welling with happy tears that as of late flowed freely from his heart to his eyes. "Hush, little one," he whispered as he slid his bandage-wrapped hands beneath the blankets, "your mama's still sleepin'." Drawing the fragile bundle into the shelter of his arms and chest, Hoss tingled inside – a cherished feeling he'd accepted as natural from the moment when, just ****three days ago, he'd been blessed with his newborn child.**

**He grinned as the baby's nose wrinkled and a yawn forced its way through silky, pink lips, and he marveled at the chubby fingers as they stretched stiffly and then quickly curled into tight little fists, one pressing against a milky white cheek, the other against a soft, knitted blanket. With one finger, Hoss stroked the fine, blond hair atop the tiny head and grinned with delight when sapphire blue eyes opened and gazed up at him. "Hello, little one," he cooed quietly as his thumb caressed the plump cheek. "Didja have a good morning nap?" **

**The baby wrapped four healthy fingers and one strong thumb around Hoss's long, calloused finger. Rising slowly from his chair, Hoss took care to move softly and gently, and he walked to the bedroom's east window to stand in the warmth of the morning sun. "Ever since I kin remember," he whispered, "my hands've been big. Real big. Everythin' about me has always been big." His face flushed and his pulse pounded in his ears. "I didn't understand it, but for a long time, I didn't have many friends - just your Uncle Adam and then your Uncle Joe when he came along. Me bein' so big 'n' all, I reckon most of the other children were . . . well . . ."**

**He swallowed the knot clogging his throat, then bent his head and gently kissed the baby's forehead. "I wouldn't want you to ever . . . I hope you ain't . . . ." His voice wavered against the strength of his vow. "I promise, you ain't never ever gotta be afraid of me. I'm your pa." The words released his tears and they trailed down his radiant face. The baby's grasp loosened and the tiny, wriggling legs and stiffening arms brought about a soft gurgle from rosy lips. "That's right," he said proudly. "I ain't never gonna hurt ya. I'll protect ya always. I'm your pa." **

**The bundle squirmed again, its feet pressing against the crook in Hoss's arm. "My, my," he whispered, "you sure are a feisty little one. Just like your mama." An arm broke free from the blanket, and Hoss stroked the pale, silky forearm with his finger. "I still cain't believe it. Every time I blink, I expect to wake up 'n' find this is all a dream. A real, good dream. Not like them what's been visitin' me at night ever since . . ." Hoss's voice grew warm as he hugged the baby closely. "Bein' here, holdin' you, well, it's a dream come true - your mama 'n' you." **

**"****We're real, Hoss. We aren't a dream."**

**At the sound of her voice, Hoss's features glazed over with rosy contentment. He opened his mouth to speak, the simple words in his mind filling his heart with endless joy. "Mornin', Mrs. Cartwright." Her name flowed sweetly from his lips and his eyes rested on the baby in his arms, as if the two were one in the same. "The little one's been awake for a while." Making his way to the bedside, he sat gingerly on the edge of the mattress and smiled. "We've been havin' us a nice little chat."**

**Amanda's eyes glistened as she stretched her arms from beneath the moss green quilt. She rolled to her side and reached for his knee, and a touch of concern washed over her face and flowed into her voice. "Chatting about happy dreams, I suppose?" **

**Hoss shivered at her touch and his heart skidded before settling back into rhythm. "Yeah," he whispered. "We've been talkin' about you 'n' me, here in this room, in this house . . ." **

**The baby's thin lips twisted and puckered, surrendering to a momentary gasp that ended in the throes of a newborn's hungry cry. Hoss chuckled softly, brushing his finger gently along the child's chin. **

**Amanda's breasts tingled and she slid along the mattress, settling into the plush pillows along the headboard. Holding the squirming baby securely against his chest, Hoss began the comfortable routine of the past two days, reaching for Amanda's robe and draping it across her. Their eyes met, and he waited patiently as she loosened the ribbons of her gown. "Hoss?" she whispered, her arms outstretched.**

**He glanced at the baby and marveled at the tiny fists kneading against hungry lips. "Are ya sure, Mandy?"**

**Amanda sat forward, reached up, and caressed her husband's cheek. Her hand trailed down his face and along his neck, coming to rest, open-palmed, against his heart. "The only thing more fulfilling than nursing our child is having you here to share in the miracle." **

**The awkward newness of their intimacy seemed to evaporate as her words blanketed him. His eyes locked with hers and as she drew their child to her breast, Hoss lay down next to her, watchful to hide the grimace brought about by his broken ribs. Carefully, he edged closer, his hand resting alongside her arm, and as she hummed softly, Hoss wondered at the perfection before him.**


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER TWO**

** "****Asleep again, jist like that." Hoss lowered the baby into the cradle.**

** "****Just like that." Amanda yawned as she worked to fasten the ribbons at the neckline of her gown. **

**Hoss glanced upward. ****_She's up every couple hours with the baby, and my nightmares sure ain't helpin' none. _****He fussed with the crib blankets, tucking them just so before placing a kiss on his fingertip and dabbing it onto the baby's forehead. He straightened, only to be rewarded with a sharp pain to his left side – another callous reminder of Jackson Findley and the past few months of his life. Turning away, Hoss gritted his teeth and walked to the dresser, his head hanging as he steadied himself against the surface. **

**Across the room, Amanda swung her legs to the floor and slid her feet into her slippers. Her heart ached for her husband, and she hid her pain by quickly busying herself, primping the sheets and blankets on the bed. **

**Hoss raised his eyes, each breath sparring with the pains racking his body. He peered into the dresser mirror, seeking his wife's image, and he breathed a sigh of relief that she was occupied with straightening the bed.**

**Amanda lightly fluffed her pillow, and when she tossed it onto the bed, she stole a glance across the room. "He won't admit needing help, let alone asking for it," she thought. "His injuries are enough, but the blank stares, the short temper, the nightmares . . . He's been through hell and back, but he isn't really back. And he's distancing himself from the people who care about him the most." Amanda massaged her neck, chancing another peek at Hoss's reflection across the way. "Maybe I can give him a little push in the right direction." She opened the bedroom door, taking a deep breath as the sweet smell of baking bread and brewing coffee crept into the room. Gathering her resolve, she pressed her hands firmly at her sides. "Doctor Martin said I could bathe today. I'm sure it will feel wonderful. Hoss, would you mind asking Mrs. Shaughnessy to come up? Then you can walk me down to the washroom and afterward, if the baby cooperates, we could have breakfast with your father and brothers. Wouldn't that be . . ." **

** "****Darlin'," Hoss pushed away from the dresser, "it's only been two days. You're not going downstairs."**

**Amanda sighed and met Hoss in the center of the room. "As long as you're beside me," she placed her hands on his chest, "I'm up to anything." She stood tiptoed, inviting a kiss. As their lips met, she moaned softly. "And besides, Doctor Martin said I'm fine."**

**Hoss's doubt shone in his eyes. "I love you, Mandy." He ran his fingers through her shiny,****light brown ****hair. "I love ya more than you'll ever know. And I'm your husband. I'm supposed to look out for you, take care of you. I jist . . . I love you." **

**Amanda whispered her reply and Hoss pulled her toward him, his injuries momentarily forgotten amid their embrace. "I don't want ya takin' any chances, darlin'. So, you'll do as I say. You'll stay up here, 'n' I'll have Joe bring the tub up here 'n' I'll tell Hop Sing ta . . ." **

**Amanda bit down on her lip and nestled her head against his chest. "Hoss, I love you, too, but I need this, don't you see?" She stepped back and gazed up into his eyes. "With your help, I'm going down for my bath and some breakfast, and I promise I'll take things slow and easy. Please Hoss, get Mrs. Shaughnessy, and I'll gather my things."**

**Anger rose in Hoss's chest, anger tempered only by fear. ****_Downstairs. I'll bolt the door, 'n' Pa 'n' Adam 'n' Joe will be there. Downstairs. But I ain't gonna let her outta my sight._**

** "****Hoss?"**

** "****You really want this? Today? Now?"**

**Amanda nodded.**

** "****All right, then."**

**Amanda crossed the room and pulled the curtains, darkening the room for her sleeping child. She opened her chifferobe and selected one of her loose fitting dresses. ****_Am I being too hard on him? He's been through so much, and I know his demands come from love._****She glanced at her husband, standing over the cradle, still hesitant to leave his child for even a moment. ****_I have to help him. _****Amanda tossed the clothing atop the bed, opened a drawer, and quickly rummaged through the piles.**

**Hoss wrinkled his brow. "What's got you so all fired in a hurry?"**

**Amanda grinned. "Bacon, Hoss. I smell bacon! And fresh baked bread, and coffee, and . . ."**

**Hoss giggled and quickly grabbed his aching side.**

** "****Sh!" Amanda said softly, stealing a glance at the baby in the cradle.**

** "****Sorry." Hoss muffled his laughter. "Amanda Cartwright, I do declare I ain't never seen such a little woman take such a big likin' to food!"**

**Amanda gently poked his shoulder. "That's a terrible thing to say to the woman who's nursing a Cartwright baby!"**

**Hoss drew her close. "Darlin', I wouldn't have it no other way." Looking deep into her eyes, he cupped her chin and kissed her waiting lips. "I guess you'll be wantin' ta take that bath now," he said, wishing she'd change her mind. When she simply smiled and nodded, Hoss chained his fears and said, "All right. You git ready 'n' I'll fetch Mrs. Shaughnessy."**

** "****Thank you, Hoss," Amanda said playfully as she slid her arms into her robe.**

**Her mischievous tone melted the tension in Hoss's body and he smiled. "Oh, and Mandy," Hoss said softly as he stepped into the hallway, "I'll be sure ta send Joe ta the smokehouse for another side o' bacon!"**

**Amanda grabbed a pair of Hoss's balled socks and heaved them at her husband. He grinned, his eyes dancing as he closed the bedroom door, leaving Amanda shaking her head, unable to hide her growing smile. ****_One minute, he's my Hoss, and the next . . . _**

**As she gathered her underclothes, a stifled sigh caught her attention. She crossed the room and knelt next to the cradle. With a gentle hand, she rocked it, humming softly as she lulled the child back to sleep. ****_I'm sorry if we disturbed you, little one. Your pa stayin' up here with you and me day in and day out just isn't right. I think I may have found a way to help him. At least, I hope so. He needs some time with your grandpa, and your uncles, too. He needs them, needs their patience, their advice, their unconditional love. _**

**The creaky floorboard in the hallway announced Hoss and Mrs. Shaughnessy. Before they had a chance to knock, Amanda opened the door and waved the woman inside, leaving Hoss standing patiently in the doorway. Amanda slung her underclothes over her arm and covered them with her dress. She shoved her hairbrush atop several other items in her small satchel, lifted the bag by its worn leather handle, and ran a silent list through her mind, nodding before starting for the door. She glanced at the cradle, her scheme to help Hoss suddenly losing all momentum. Her face paled, her eyes fixed on the sleeping child.**

** "****You go on, now," Mrs. Shaughnessy whispered, her hands firm against Amanda's shoulders. "After all you've been through, you need to take some time for yourself, and I'm here to see to it that you can."**

**Amanda's eyes questioned the friendly woman. **

** "****I'll call you the minute that precious little thing so much as twitches an eyebrow. You go on and take care of yourself and then have a nice, relaxing breakfast with your husband and his . . . your family."**

**Amanda smiled half-heartedly, still staring at the cradle across the room.**

**Mrs. Shaughnessy pressed gently against the small of Amanda's back. "Mrs. Cartwright, I won't take my eyes away from that cradle. Now, you go on. Your husband is waiting."**

**Amanda walked as far as the doorway before locking eyes with Hoss. "It ain't too late. Joe and I kin carry the tub up . . ."**

**"****Hoss, please, Mrs. Shaughnessy's right. The baby will be fine."**

**Hoss started to argue, but Amanda stepped into the hallway and pulled the door closed behind her. He followed her closely, moving to her side as they approached the stairs. **

**Amanda glanced down into the openness of the great room. She felt Hoss's strong arm across her back, and she smiled up into his waiting eyes. "It'll be good to sit together for breakfast."**

**Hoss nodded. "I reckon I'm hungrier than I thought. Oh, and Mandy, Joe's out in the smokehouse hauling in s'more bacon as we speak!" **

**Amanda put on her best shocked expression.**

** "****Like you said, you are nursing a Cartwright baby, and we Cartwrights do eat hearty, ya know." Slowly, he led Amanda down the staircase, rambling about growing babies and healthy mothers and the Cartwright way. "And there'll be eggs, too, 'cause Hop Sing knows ya like eggs, so if ya don't want bacon . . ."**

** "****Who doesn't want bacon?" Adam called from the living room, his voice halting Hoss's chatter as they descended the steps. "Crispy bacon is a Cartwright tradition," Adam announced proudly, stopping abruptly when he looked up from his chair. "Amanda, should you be . . .?"**

** "****What's this about tradition?" Ben asked as he rounded the corner from the kitchen. He stopped suddenly, the sight of Hoss and his daughter-in-law on the stairs bringing a grin to his lips. "Well, good morning to you both. Amanda, how are you feeling, dear? Hoss, help that beautiful new mother over to the table. Adam, get over here and pour Amanda some coffee. Joe? Where's Joe?" **

** "****Joe's right here," Joe said as he entered the dining room. "Hop Sing sent me out to fetch a side of . . . Amanda! Should you be up and about already?"**

** "****It's all right, Joe," Amanda said. "I've promised Hoss that I'll take it easy . . ."**

** "****Easy? Who's takin' it easy?" Candy asked as he burst through the front door, cradling his healing wrist in his hand. "We've got strays to round up and . . . Oh, Amanda! Are you sure you're up to . . . ?" **

** "****Yes," Amanda said sharply as she paused at the dining chair Ben offered. She glanced around the room at the five devoted men, their warm, caring faces holding more kindness and patience than she imagined possible. A peaceful calm hugged her tightly. "I'm going to use the washroom and then, if it's all right, I'll join you for breakfast. Unless, of course, the newest Cartwright decides otherwise." Amanda's genuine smile set everyone at ease and as Hoss took her by the arm and led her toward the kitchen, she turned and with tears in her eyes, added, "Thank you. Thank you all." **


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER THREE**

**At the breakfast table, Amanda's eyes gleamed as she sipped her third cup of coffee. Bathing had left her relaxed, and although she found herself glancing toward the top of the staircase from time to time, it seemed as if her plan might be successful after all. **

**For half an hour after her father-in-law had graciously helped her to her seat, the lively conversation brightened her morning. The fluffy pancakes, scrambled eggs, warm, buttered bread, and crispy bacon gave her a much needed boost of energy, but while the food and company lifted her spirits, it was her husband's behavior that filled her heart with joy.**

**Their discussion flitted from the weather to the day's chores, the reelection of Roy Coffee as Virginia City's sheriff, and the growing town's need for a second physician. But the smile of contentment on Amanda's face shone the brightest when Hoss calmly brought up the baby sleeping under the watchful eye of Mrs. Shaughnessy. **

**Adam pushed his empty plate forward, flinching slightly at the twinge in his injured arm. "For the first two years, I can't recall Joe sleeping for more than three or four hours at a time."**

** "****Now, Adam," Ben said, "Joseph was a very good baby."**

** "****Yeah," Hoss added between forkfuls of fluffy eggs, "Joe was a real good baby, when he was asleep!"**

**Amanda giggled, her eyes dancing as she watched her husband eagerly awaiting his little brother's reaction.**

**Unable to deny the fact he'd heard for years, Joe screwed up his lips and glared at his bigger brother. "And I'm lucky I got ****_any_****sleep at all," Joe huffed, "what with that racket you're always makin'! Hmf!" He turned to Amanda. "You must know by now that Hoss snores like a railroad in a sawmill!"**

**Adam shook his head. "It's more like a foghorn on one of Pa's old clipper ships."**

**Candy set his fork on his plate and waved his hand in the air. "No, it's more like a grizzly with his nose caught in a stump." **

**Amanda chuckled, charmed by the jousting at the table. **

** "****Isn't that right, Hoss?" Candy asked as all eyes turned in Hoss's direction. "Hoss? I said, isn't that right?"**

**Snapped from his thoughts, Hoss blinked rapidly. "I uh . . ."**

**Amanda recognized the far away look in Hoss's eyes and she quickly rescued her daydreaming husband. "Excuse me for interrupting," she said, covering her exaggerated yawn with her napkin. "Would one of you gentlemen please escort me upstairs? I'm afraid that my first outing has suddenly caught up with me." **

**Five men bounded to their feet, ready to help the new mother to her room. **

** "****Oh, my." Amanda looked up at the handsome faces. "A girl certainly could get used to this, but I only need the help of one gentleman." When Hoss immediately started moving past Joe, Amanda put the rest of her plan into action. "Adam seems to be the only one who has finished eating. Would you mind taking me upstairs, Adam, so Hoss can finish breakfast with the rest of the family?"**

**Adam weighed the puzzled look on Hoss's face with the persuasive glow in Amanda's eyes - Amanda's glow won. He quickly stepped in front of Hoss, bowed politely, and offered his arm to his sister-in-law. "I would be delighted to show you to your room, Mrs. Cartwright," he said, helping her to her feet, "on one condition."**

** "****Oh? And what might that condition be?" **

**Adam cocked his head. "The condition, lovely lady, is that once upstairs, you permit me to stand momentarily and gaze in the presence of the newest addition to our family." **

** "****I think that can be arranged." Amanda followed Adam's lead as they started for the stairs. As they passed, she laid her hand against Hoss's chest and, after kissing his cheek, whispered in his ear, "I love you, Hoss." She turned toward the table and smiled. "Enjoy the rest of your breakfast, gentlemen."**

**As they ascended the stairs with Adam steadying Amanda's every step, she felt Hoss watching after her until she disappeared down the upstairs hallway. She hoped that soon he would be drawn into the discussion of the upcoming roundup, falling back into his role on the ranch. **

**Upstairs, as Mrs. Shaughnessy fussed at settling Amanda in for a much needed nap, Adam knelt at the cradle. He longed to touch the baby's sparse, blonde hair and he grinned at the cheek that for several seconds moved in and out with a sucking motion. **

** "****A miracle, isn't it?" Mrs. Shaughnessy said softly. **

**Adam stood and nodded. "It certainly is."**

** "****I'll be going to my room, now, Mr. Cartwright. Just call when they need me."**

** "****Thank you, Mrs. Shaughnessy." Adam closed the door behind her and sauntered knowingly toward the bed. "You did it again," he said softly, wagging his finger at Amanda. "And masterfully, I might add."**

**Amanda raised her sleepy eyes. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean."**

**With his palms on the mattress, Adam leaned down over Amanda. "You managed to get Hoss out of this room, down the stairs, eating, laughing, conversing, and . . ."**

** "****Why, Adam, I have no idea what you . . ."**

** "****And, my dear sister, you managed to get him to stay down there where he'll have the opportunity to do something he's been avoiding for weeks."**

**Amanda smiled sheepishly. "I think I'll take my nap now."**

** "****I know things aren't quite what they should be. Not just yet. But they will be, I promise. And until they are," Adam leaned in closely and kissed her forehead, "thank you for loving my brother."**

**Amanda's eyes grew heavy. "The pleasure is all mine."**

**Adam smoothed Amanda's blanket across her shoulder and checked the baby's even breathing before backing his way out of the bedroom. He stopped in the doorway, smiling at the sturdy, weathered cradle that had survived Joe's first few months as well as years in the attic. Leaving the door slightly ajar, Adam made his way to the top of the staircase. He paused to watch and listen, and he smiled as he descended the stairs and joined the rest of the family at the dining table.**


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER FOUR**

** "****So, it's settled." Candy swiped his napkin across his lips. "Next week, Joe and I will ****deliver Peterson's cattle****and on the way home, we'll ****stop off in Carson**** City to pick up the ****timber contracts****."**

**Adam filled his cup with steaming coffee. "Pa, you sure sending these two to Carson City is a good idea?"**

**Ben shot Adam a questioning glance.**

** "****Five days to Peterson's. From there, two days to Carson City****," A smile crept onto Adam's face. "That puts them in Carson just in time for their ****Founder's Day****celebration."**

**Joe's head snapped to the left. Candy's popped to the right. Slow, calculated grins appeared on the pair while Hoss and Adam waited patiently for their father's next words.**

** "****Founder's Day?" Ben repeated. "Now, boys, you know I'm counting on the two of you to get those ****contracts to Virginia City by two o'clock on the fourteenth.****If you're delayed, ****Mr. Marsh****will have to take a later stage, and . . ."**

**"****Don't worry, Pa," Joe interrupted. "We'll have those contracts at the lawyer's office in plenty of time, won't we Candy?"**

**Setting his fork on his plate, Candy swallowed his last bite of eggs and nodded. "That's right, Mr. Cartwright. We'll be there."**

**Ben finished the topic with silent, stern glances aimed at his foreman and his youngest son.**

**Adam sipped his coffee and cocked his head. "Well, now that we all feel secure in the knowledge that these two won't be tempted by the sights and sounds of the carnival atmosphere, the varying degrees of appropriateness of the ladies' attire, or the numerous high-stakes poker games with leading citizens and unsavory characters drawn to the celebration, what say we get on with the day's tedious chores?"**

**Hoss chuckled as he bit into another thick slice of buttered bread. "Yeah, I cain't see Joe or Candy bein' attracted to none of them things!" **

**Ben wiped his mouth on his napkin, pushed himself from the table, and smiled. "I have every faith in both Joseph and Candy. Now, as Adam suggested, let's get on with . . ."**

** "****Pa." Adam set his cup on its saucer and stood quickly. "Why don't you let Joe and Candy and me take care of the morning chores? You look like you could use another cup of coffee."**

**Ben's brow wrinkled.**

** "****C'mon, boys." Adam grasped Candy's good arm and yanked him to his feet.**

**"****But, I still have some bacon . . ."**

**Adam tapped Candy's stomach. "You sure you need that last piece?"**

**Candy looked from his stomach to the faces around the table and back. "It's the new shirt. The cut is more slimming."**

** "****Oh, brother!" Adam tugged on Candy's arm. "C'mon. You too, Joe. Time to get to work."**

**Joe's fork, loaded with eggs and a hefty chunk of bacon, stopped just inches from his mouth. "But, Adam, I'm not finished, either." Adam flashed his youngest brother a look that Joe had seen more times than he cared to admit. ****_How does he do that?_****Joe lowered his fork to his plate. ****_Looks just like Pa!_**

**Adam raised one eyebrow. **

**_Not the eyebrow, too! _****Joe pushed his chair back reluctantly.****"****All right, all right! Sheesh! It's getting so that a man can't even finish his . . ."**

** "****I'll take them eggs, Joe." Hoss snatched his brother's plate. "Wouldn't want ta waste 'em." He quickly scraped the food from Joe's plate onto his own. **

**As they watched with amazed eyes, Hoss reached for the serving bowl and emptied it as well, before crowning the mound with the remaining six slices of bacon.**

**"****Good to see your appetite coming back, bigger brother," Joe said.**

**Hoss bit off a piece of bacon. "Yeah. A couple more days and my appetite'll be close ta normal."**

**Adam's mouth spread into a wide grin as he started for the door. "Enjoy the rest of your breakfast, Hoss. Let's go, you two."**

**As he walked by, Candy clapped Hoss on the back. "Good to see ya enjoying your food again, my friend."**

**Joe shook his head. "Hoss, I'd almost forgotten how nice it is to share a meal with you and that appetite of yours."**

**Ben laughed, his eyes twinkling as Hoss nodded without so much as a pause in his chewing. ****_Hoss hasn't been this relaxed since he came back to us. The way he is right now, it's hard to imagine the horrible things he lived through . . . is still living through. Things have been . . . tense. His nightmares, his moods. I need to talk to my son. _****Ben's smile faded. ****_I need to let him know . . ._**

** "****Pa," Adam said, winking knowingly at his father, "enjoy that extra cup of coffee. Maybe even have a fourth. We've got the chores under control."**

**Ben nodded. ****_Thank you, Adam. Maybe now is the right time._**


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER FIVE**

**Ben stared at his empty plate and shifted in his chair, searching for something that rarely failed him – the courage to speak to his son. The thought of this conversation had haunted him since the day** **Hoss had shown the first real signs of recovery nearly four weeks ago**, **and now Ben found himself ill-prepared, brimming with anxiety. A quick glance at his son left Ben rattled, and he watched as Hoss sat with his eyes lowered****, ****nervously poking and pushing the food on his plate.**

**Hoss stabbed at his eggs. ****_Dadburnit. _****He glared toward the front door. ****_Why'd everybody else have to up 'n' leave?_****_I cain't even look Pa in the eye. _****His fork clanked as he set it on his plate. Quickly, he reached for his cup and drew it to his lips****.****_ I gotta try. I gotta make him understand. I gotta do it for Mandy and the baby._**

**Lost in their thoughts, neither Ben nor Hoss noticed Hop Sing as he stood in the shadows. He shook his head, a Chinese proverb playing on his lips. With a fresh pot of coffee in hand, he approached the dining table and bowed slightly at Ben's side. "More coffee?" **

** "****None for me."**

**Hop Sing walked around the table. "Mister Hoss?" **

** "****I reckon I could use another cup. Thanks."**

**As Hop Sing poured, he looked from Hoss to Ben and back again. Shaking his head, he sat the pot on the table and began gathering the morning's dirty dishes. He scooped up several forks, laid them on the stack of plates, lifted the pile, and started for the kitchen. ****_Missy Amanda get husband to table. Mister Adam get Little Joe and Candy to barn. Now, Mister Ben and number two son not talk. Not say what need to say. _****He hesitated, turning before rounding the corner, his fallen face growing impatient and determined. He cleared his throat. "Father and son close too many doors, they not open again." He dipped his head, huffed, and disappeared into the kitchen, leaving father and son staring at the ancient wisdom left hanging in the air.**

**Once again, the room fell silent. Hoss looked everywhere but at his father, his right hand rolling the edge of his napkin while his left fist clenched and released invisible fears. "Pa," Hoss whispered, his fingers smoothing his napkin over and over, pressing away the flaws of the crumpled fabric. Slowly, he raised his head. "Pa, I . . ." Hoss's pleading eyes trailed away, searching for explanations in the threads of the embroidered tablecloth. **

**Ben uncrossed his legs, sat forward, and folded his idle hands on the table. His fingers tightened as he watched Hoss grappling for words, and his heart ached that his son found such anguish in talking to his own father. **

** "****Pa, I . . . I reckon I don't know where to start."**

**Ben sighed. "We've never had trouble talking things out before, son, and if where to start is what's holding you back, well then, I'll be the one to ask the first question."**

**Hoss straightened in his seat and sought refuge in his father's eyes. His heart raced as the carefully worded explanations he'd memorized over the past year evaporated, and his thoughts swelled as his palms began to sweat and a droning hum filled his ears. He reminded himself to breathe, and he glanced at the staircase, picturing his bedroom and the two people he loved with all of his heart. "Pa, I . . ."**

**Ben shook his head. "Hoss, when you . . . Did you know Amanda was married?" **

**Hoss's jaw dimpled and his head dropped. He swallowed hard, raised his head, and looked his father square in the eyes. "Yes, sir, I did." Hoss never waivered as he paused, anticipating his father's reproach, and after a few seconds, Hoss realized he'd been holding his breath. "That first night, when I met her in San Francisco, we was both having dinner at the Excelsior. I told her about the Parker Mine and the deal I was workin' on. I told her about you 'n' Joe 'n' Candy, an' I told her all about Adam 'n' his travels." A faint smile lit Hoss's eyes. "We'd just met, and she was so easy to talk to. I sorta felt like I'd known her all my life. Ya know what I mean?"**

**Ben's eyes drifted to the past. "Yes. Yes, Hoss, I do." **

**Hoss studied his father's face. "Yeah, I reckon ya do. You know what it's like ta share stories 'n' hopes 'n' dreams. And that night, Pa, Amanda an' me, we talked about her ranch, The Lucky A, 'n' I told her about the Ponderosa." His smile faded, and his eyes grew distant. "And when the evenin' was over, I didn't want it to be." Hoss's cheeks blushed. "I offered ta escort her back to her place, and that's when she told me she was married; said she told me so 's I could decide whether or not I wanted ta be seen walkin' a married woman late at night." Hoss straightened his back and raised his shoulders as he considered his father's tepid expression. "That night, I walked her home, Pa. Nothin' more. I left San Francisco the next mornin', 'n' when I went back a month later, I had dinner with her again. Then's when she told me about her life with that . . ." Hoss's fingertips scratched at the tablecloth, "that poor excuse for a human being, Jackson Findley. Pa, he was a monster. He courted her, married her, 'n' betrayed her . . . All for her money 'n' the ranch her father'd left her." Hoss watched his father's chest rise and fall, the silence in the room pulsing with each breath. "I knew she was married, Pa, 'n' I . . ." Hoss swallowed, fighting the bile rising in his throat. "I went ahead 'n' sparked her. I know I had no right, 'n' I . . ."**

** "****Did you love her?" **

** "****Sir?" **

**Ben pressed his palms against the table and watched his fingers spread wide. He sighed, raised his head, and spoke in an anxious voice. "When you and she . . . Did you love her, Hoss? Truly love her?"**

** "****Yes, sir," he answered without hesitation. His eyes stung, overwhelmed with sudden, desperate tears. "More than I ever thought I could love anybody." **

**Ben mashed his lips and worked his jaw. "When Amanda came to Virginia City, she told us that she'd been trying to get a divorce for some time. Back then, did you intend to marry her?" **

** "****Yes, sir," Hoss said, his voice gathering strength. "As soon as she was rid of that . . ." He clenched his teeth. "As soon as she was free to marry, we planned on comin' to you to ask for your blessing." Hoss felt heat prickling his cheeks. "Pa, I . . . I know you taught yer sons to . . ."**

** "****Hoss," Ben's voice was soft, yet firm. "Son, you can't change what's in your heart and you can't undo what's been done. And most importantly," he paused, searching for subtle words, "you can't ignore the consequences of your actions."**

**Hoss shook his head as a tear wobbled down his cheek. "Pa, I would never . . ." **

**Ben leaned across the table and gently grasped Hoss's arm. "I know you wouldn't, son," he said, his eyes darkening as he slowly pulled his hand away. "Hoss, I wouldn't be honest if I said I approve of how you . . . handled things."**

**Hoss pressed his lips together tightly. "Pa, I love Amanda. I wanted to bring her here 'n' let you see jist how much. But we . . . well, that's not what happened."**

**Ben shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "Hoss, I . . ."**

** "****Lemme finish, Pa." **

**Ben nodded.**

** "****It's like you said. I can't change none of this." Hoss got up from his chair and paced next to the table, his fists clenched tightly. "Believe me, Pa, I'd like nothing better than to go back in time." His nervous hands tapped against his thighs. "I'd go to that prison, find Jackson Findley, and get Amanda her divorce." Hoss grabbed the back of his chair, his eyes blaring. "Or, I'd kill him with my bare hands fer what he done to her."**

**The sudden rage in Hoss frightened Ben and he pushed away from the table and moved next to his son. "Hoss . . ."**

**"****Pa," Hoss interrupted, his voice calming as he spoke, "I'm sorry, truly sorry that Jackson made you think I was dead. I wish with all my heart that I could have spared everyone, Pa. Honest, I do. But seein' as how this all turned out, it wouldn't be right to change none of it." Hoss's eyes welled once again and when he spoke, his voice trembled. "'Cause if I changed any of it, Amanda would still be on The Lucky A instead of here, with me, with us. And Little Joe's old cradle would still be tucked away up in the attic." Hoss pinched his nose as tears rolled down his face. "Pa, I know I disappointed you, 'n' for that I am sorry. If you kin forgive me, I'm thankful for it. But if not, I'm askin' you to hold it agin me and not agin my wife or my child."**

**Ben shook his head as he grabbed Hoss by his shoulders, "Son, are we so far apart that you think I'd . . . Hoss, don't you know that I would never . . . ?"**

**"****I'm sorry, Pa," Hoss said, struggling for the strength to look his father in the eye. "I shouldn't a said what I did. I know you'd never hold what I done against them." **

**Ben's grip tightened. "Son, what's done is done. It's time we all started looking to the future." **

**Hoss lifted his head and studied his father's face.**

**Ben smiled. "You survived months of torture as Findley's prisoner. You saved us all when you broke free and shot him right here in this house. You're alive, Hoss, and you deserve a future full of happiness. We all do. And that most certainly includes my beautiful daughter-in-law and my exceptional little granddaughter."**


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER SIX**

**Hoss paused as he climbed the familiar stairs. Craning his neck, he looked back at his father, seated now behind his desk, immersed in the clutter of ledgers and receipts. ****_I came awful close ta never seein' that desk 'n' that mess o' papers . . . 'n' him again. And after what I done, well, gittin' his forgiveness means the world ta me_****_. _****Hoss turned slowly, taking one painful step at a time. **

**At the top, he stood reverently studying each of the six bedroom doors. ****_Pa and Adam cut and planed ev'ry one of 'em, smooth as a . . . _****He grinned and nodded. ****_Smooth as a newborn's behind. _**

**He stepped to his father's door and ran his fingertips along the grainy surface. ****_It's hard to believe that just four weeks ago, right here in this room . . . Damn you ta hell, Findley! You 'n' your men, threat'nin' my family in our own house! I coulda lost ev'ryone I care about! _****Hoss pressed his forehead against the door and shivered at the wood's cool surface. ****_I reckon I always figured Pa's room came first so 's he could keep an eye on his sons' comin's 'n' goin's._****He glanced down the hallway.****_But that day, draggin' myself from the barn to the back stairs sure made me wish this room was at the end of the hallway!_**

******With his palm flattened against the door, Hoss raised his eyes and caught sight of the scabs and scars still dotting the back of his hand. ****_No wonder Pa's so worried. Here I am, a grown man, 'n' my Pa's still worryin' 'n' wondrin' . . . 'n' prayin'. And now, he's got two more ta fret over, 'n' me . . . _****Hoss's hand slid heavily along the panel, dropping at last to his side. ****_I gotta shed myself of the nightmares. Gotta find a way_****_. _****He raised his shoulders and shoved his hands into his pockets. ****_I just hope I can do fer mine half o' what Pa done fer his._**

**Hoss hesitated as he wandered past Adam's open door. The bookshelf lined with bound volumes in various widths and heights caught his eye and he screwed his mouth and kicked at the thick brown fringe of the hallway's runner. ****_I reckon she'll be sharper 'n me. Her mama's awful smart, 'n' with her grampa 'n' her Uncle Adam, well, she won't never have ta look far for answers ta things she don't understand. _****Hoss dipped his head and gave one last shuffle against the rug.**

**Lost in thought, Hoss stepped up to the threshold of Joe's room. He stopped, staring at the closed door. ****_I kin only imagine the things she'll learn from Joe. _****Hoss smiled and chuckled quietly as he scrolled a finger along the door's center panel. ****_If I know Joe, he'll teach her how ta look at life from ev'ry angle 'n' how ta tackle ev'ry opportunity she can grab onto. _****Hoss rapped a knuckle against the door and then made his way to his room.**

**His fingers curled tightly around the knob, Hoss cracked the door open and peered inside. His chest swelled at the sight of Amanda, asleep against a mountain of pillows with Evelyn cradled safely in her arms. Silently, he closed the door behind him, tiptoed across the room, and then lowered himself into the comfortable old wing chair. He removed his boots, the effort adding to the toll his active morning had already taken on his aching body. ****_I cain't believe how tired I am. All I done was git dressed 'n' have myself a little breakfast, 'n' I'm of a mind ta crawl into the cradle 'n' have myself a mornin' nap!_****Hoss relaxed in the chair and snickered at the thought. He propped his stocking feet atop the ottoman, laced his fingers in his lap, and scrunched the itch tickling the tip of his nose. ****_I reckon I'll jist close my eyes a bit till them two sleepin' beauties wake up. _****He yawned, wincing as the tender skin around his lips stretched and relaxed. ****_Just wait'll I tell Mandy about my . . . my talk with Pa. Ever since she told me about the baby, we've been . . . worried that Pa might not . . . forgive . . _****. ****_Ever since that day . . ._**** As sleep enveloped Hoss, his thoughts drifted back to that day, four weeks ago, the hallway, a gunshot, and the sound of . . .**

**_Amanda's voice? It can't be. I must be hurt worse than I thought_****_. _****Hoss flinched as he tried to lift his shoulders from the mattress. His stomach churned, the pounding in his head seeking revenge. ****_Dadgummit, I'm dizzy. _**

******"****Please, Hoss." **

**He felt gentle hands pressing against his shoulders.********_That touch is so familiar._**

**"****Doctor Martin said you have to stay in bed."**

**Were those fingertips touching his cheek? **

**"****I'm right here, Hoss, and I'll bring you anything you need."**

**_Who . . . Doctor Martin? Where . . . Am I home?_****_ Ho_****ss grabbed the kind hand, immediately loosening his grip as he stared. "You're real? You're here and you're real? Mandy!" **

**Gathering her skirts, Amanda slipped one foot beneath her and sat next to him on the bed. She lifted his hand, carefully, and smiled as their fingers entwined. "You have a nasty bump on your head, Hoss. And broken ribs and . . . well, it's all making it difficult for you to remember things."**

**Hoss furrowed his brow, confusion leading to panic. "Mandy? How did I get . . . ? I was in a mine . . . But you're . . . This ain't The Lucky A."**

**Amanda leaned closer and placed a tender kiss on Hoss's cheek. She pulled back, lingering expectantly, and her face beamed as the pale uncertainty in his eyes dissolved. "You're right, Hoss, we're not on The Lucky A. I'll tell you everything I know and answer all of your questions. But first, you've got to get some rest."**

**Hoss shook his head and pushed himself up, and he cried out as he fell back against the bed. Exhausted, he pleaded silently for details of the day.**

**"****Oh, Hoss!" Amanda reached for the cloth in the basin. Gently wiping the perspiration from his neck, she summed up the events of the day as calmly as she could. "Earlier today, you were brought here by the men who were holding you all those months. They left you in the barn, and that's where Adam and Candy found you."**

**"****Adam! Adam's home?"**

**Amanda smiled. "Yes, Adam's home. And when Adam and Candy figured out what Jackson and his men were up to, they came inside to help Joe, your father, and me."**

**"****All those months, Pa, Joe, they musta thought . . ." Hoss begged, tears filling his eyes. **

**Amanda let out an emotional sigh. "Joe and your Pa are here and they're going to be all right. So are Candy and Adam." A shadow of sorrow crept over Amanda's face.**

**"****Mandy?" **

**Amanda's smile was forced as she busied herself with rewetting the cloth. "God only knows how, but you managed to make your way from the barn, up the stairs, and down the hall to your father's room."**

**Hoss gasped. "I remember. I remember standin' in the hall. My ribs 'n' my feet hurt somethin' fierce, but I took a few more steps. I . . . I heard voices. I heard Joe 'n' Pa 'n' somebody else, I don't know who. He was yellin' 'n' . . . It was Jackson! He was hurtin' everyone I care about!"**

**"****Hoss, you need to calm down."**

**"****I shot him!" Hoss wailed. "I had a rifle 'n' I killed him!" Hoss's breath came in pain-racked spurts as he tried, and failed, to rise from the bed. "I killed that son of a bitch!"**

**Amanda pressed in vain against his shoulders. "You have to stay in bed, ****min älskare."**

**Hoss froze, his eyes growing wide. The Swedish words his mother had used so long ago, min älskare, my love, calmed him and slowly, he fell back against the pillows. ****"****You remember."**

**"****I'll always remember."** **Amanda's cheeks blushed and once again, she dampened the cloth and wiped his brow. ****"****You saved us, Hoss, your brothers and Candy, your pa and me and . . ." She shuddered.**

**"****Mandy?" **

**Amanda closed her eyes and steadied her thoughts. **

**"****Darlin', what is it?"**

**Amanda raised her eyes, her cheeks streaming with tears. "Hoss, I lost my heart the night I met you, and I knew at that moment that there was no hope that I'd ever get it back." She took his hand in hers and placed it on her stomach. "And then, the night we . . . Hoss, ****min älskare, there's something you don't know. I'm carrying your child."**

**A smile of pure contentment blossomed on Hoss's lips as the events of that day played out in his dream. He settled deeper against the yielding cushions and sighed - his dream had whisked him from that terror-filled morning to the blissful evening he'd never forget. **

**Lulled from his slumber, he snorted at the sound of his daughter's waking cry. He yawned, rubbing his eyes and stretching the kinks from his neck, and before he could lean toward the wriggling bundle in the cradle, Amanda slid her legs from the bed and lifted Evelyn into her arms. Hoss tingled from head to toe at the sight of his wife soothing his precious daughter. He smiled, lifting his eyes in silent prayer, and when Amanda reached out and stroked his arm, he swallowed the overwhelming emotion caught in his throat. "Mandy, ****min älskare."**


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

**Watching his wife with their daughter, Hoss longed to share the outcome of his talk with his father. How had she done it? ****_With all she's been through, she put me 'n' my pa first, gave us the opportunity neither of us could make on our own._**

**With Evelyn at her breast, Amanda hummed softly. Hoss wandered to the bedroom window and looked out over the yard. A glance at the barn released flashes of memory, flashes that threatened to consume him. **

**Since Hoss's miraculous return, the injuries he'd sustained during his captivity had dangled restful sleep just beyond his grasp. Nightmares visited regularly and on more nights than he cared to count, he'd cried out, frightening his wife and disturbing their sleeping daughter. Adding to his torment, Hoss worried that his father and brothers may have heard his bleary pleas. **

**At first, the laudanum prescribed by Paul Martin had helped, but the drug also induced a state that forced Hoss to eavesdrop on private thoughts and emotional admissions. On several occasions, he'd heard Amanda next to his bed long before she'd uttered a breath or a single sound and each time, he'd wrangled his fatigue, eager to hear her soothing voice. But with the heavy doses those first few days, Hoss was imprisoned by the fuzzy haze, forced to listen, powerless to respond, until the day he overheard Amanda . . .**

**"****I don't know what's right and what's wrong, what's real and what's a lie. You were dead, Hoss. For weeks I prayed that you'd be found. Some days, all I did was pray. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. And then one day, Randall took me to the meadow – our meadow, and he made me accept that you were gone. Oh, I hated him in that moment, Hoss. But he was right, and so I mourned you, we all did. We were still mourning and now you're here, and you're alive! **

**And Randall . . . He's dead. Why, Hoss? Why did Randall follow me here? If only he'd stayed in San Francisco. Jackson killed him, and it's all my fault. He was my friend, Hoss. You were gone, and Randall was my only friend. **

**When the doctor in San Francisco told me I was carrying your child I tried to be strong. When I couldn't face having a child, alone, Randall was there, willing to do anything, willing to try anything to help me. He reminded me that loving the baby meant that I would always love you. He was right, Hoss.**

**I knew you'd want your family to know about the baby, and Randall followed me to Virginia City. If I hadn't come to the Ponderosa, he'd be alive. He'd be alive, Hoss. But . . . if things had been different, your pa and your brothers and Candy . . . I can't know for sure, Hoss, but Jackson was determined to kill them all, and you . . . And he'd have killed me. Me and our child - that much I do know. **

**And now, when I see your father and brothers and Candy and even Hop Sing, I'm so glad I came. The majestic pines and the herds grazing on the sweet grass; the horses, chasing their souls across the vast landscape. Hoss, my love, I remember how your eyes sparkled at the mention of this ranch and your heart blossomed when you spoke of your family. It was as if your spirit reached beyond the miles to capture them and hold them in your heart no matter the distance, and I knew your child deserved that kind of love and contentment. **

**They welcomed me, Hoss – me and the baby. There were doubts, and I expected them, but the doubts were not so much about me or our child as they were about protecting your memory. And as unsure about everything as I was, their love for you strengthened me.**

**And Hoss, in these few short days, I've not only grown to respect each of them, I care about them. I love them. Oh, Hoss, please fight! Don't let Jackson win! You have to come back to me, to us, to them."**

**Whimpering softly, Amanda brushed her fingertips along Hoss's swollen cheek. She turned swiftly at the sound of a creaking floor.**

**"****Mr. Cartwright." She rose slowly from the chair. "You shouldn't be out of bed. You're injured. Please, let me help you."**

**"****I'm all right, dear." Ben waved Amanda back to her seat. "I'm not about to let what those men did to me keep me from checking on my son. Please, dear, sit down."**

**Amanda shook her head and reached for Ben's arm.**

**"****I'm all right," he insisted, his eyes drifting to the bed. "I just needed to see Hoss, to watch his chest rise and fall. Somehow, I still can't believe that he's here, that he's alive."**

**Amanda smiled. "I know what you mean. I should go and give you some privacy with your son. I've been with him for quite a while, talking, telling him . . ."**

**"****I heard. Forgive me, I didn't mean to eavesdrop."**

**Amanda blushed, recalling her bold announcement. She glanced at Hoss, seeking courage in his tranquil face. **

**"****I heard you telling him that you're happy here, that you . . ."**

**"****That I've realized how much I need this family. That in the past few days, you've all welcomed me into your home and . . ."**

**"****And into our hearts."**

**Amanda squeezed Hoss's hand. "Mr. Cartwright," she said quietly as she helped Ben to a chair, "you know Hoss much better than I do. But I know him well enough to know that he's going to need to explain, to make you understand about . . ."**

**"****Yes, Hoss and I will need to . . . talk. Forgive me for saying so, Amanda, but that's between Hoss and me. And before any of that can happen," he continued, his voice softening as he took Hoss's hand in his, "Hoss has to fight. He has to recover."**

**Amanda nodded, surrendering her tears as Hoss's shallow breaths shattered the silence. **

**"****I have an idea," Ben whispered, slipping Hoss's hand against the sheets. He stood, wrapped his arm around Amanda's back, and led her to the window across the room. After wiping her tears with gentle fingertips, he placed his hands on her shoulders and smiled down at her, his warm, chocolate eyes meeting her anxious eyes of blue. He reached for her necklace, the polished metal glistening in the moon's rays. Raising the precious ring suspended on the chain, the ring Hoss had given her, Ben nodded. "When Hoss is stronger, if it's what you both want, I think it's time we had a wedding."**

**"****It's what I want," Hoss said feebly, startling both Ben and Amanda. "It's what I've wanted since . . . since that day in the restaurant." **

**Ben was immediately at his son's side. "Hoss. Easy, son. Don't try to get up."**

**"****No need ta worry. I cain't hardly lift my eyelids let alone the rest o' me." Hoss licked his parched, scabbed lips. "But my ears seem ta be workin' jist fine."**

**Ben chuckled, overwhelmed by the soothing sound of his son's voice. "Hoss, I thought I'd never . . . It's good to see you, son."**

**"****You all right, Pa? Did Jackson hurt cha?"**

**Amanda stepped next to Ben. "Your pa's going to be fine, Hoss. We all are, thanks to you."**

**"****She's right," Adam said as he and Candy came in from the hall. Behind them were Joe and Hop Sing. "I thought we were all supposed to be getting some sleep." **

**"****Those were my orders," Doctor Martin said sternly as he and Roy made their way into the bedroom.**

**Hoss tried to smile, his lips stinging with each movement. "Well, I'll be, Adam. You're really here."**

**Adam reached forward and grasped Hoss's arm. "Bigger brother, you look like hell, the best hell I've ever seen."**

**Hoss studied the faces of those around his bed, drawing strength from the glistening eyes and smiling faces. He reached for Amanda's hand, barely able to lift his own as she sat carefully on the edge of the bed. **

**Hoss spotted her necklace and the ring that was his promise of eternal love. "I'm kinda fuzzy, but I seem to remember somebody mentioning a wedding." **

**"****Hoss, are you all right?" Sitting on the edge of the bed, Amanda patted Evelyn's back. **

**Hoss realized he'd been daydreaming, remembering bits and pieces of his first days back home, and as Amanda rubbed small circles along his daughter's shoulders, his eyes were drawn to the shimmering wedding band on his wife's gentle hand. **

**When she noticed the faraway look in his eyes, Amanda slid closer to her husband's chair. "Hoss? What is it?"**

**"****It's everything." Hoss rested a reassuring hand on her knee before slipping next to her on the bed. "I was rememberin', just days ago when I woke up right there on that bed."**

**Amanda caressed his hand and then laced her fingers with his.**

**"****I was home, 'n' Adam was home, 'n' you were here, 'n' . . . 'n' Pa 'n' Roy 'n' Doc Martin came up with that plan."**

**Amanda squeezed his hand. "And that night, when the laudanum wore off, you and I were married, right here in this room, with all the people you love standing by."**

**Hoss flipped his hand and brought Amanda's fingers to his lips. "That really was somethin'."**

**"****Yes, it was."**

**Evelyn chose that tender moment to do one of the things babies tend to do – she burped.**

**Amanda giggled and Hoss grinned. He lifted his daughter from his wife's lap. "Now, little Miss Cartwright, you mind your manners, ya hear? Don't go 'round interruptin' your mama and your pa when we're rememberin' our weddin'!"**

**Amanda suddenly grew quite and still.**

**"****Mandy? What is it?"**

**She smiled, snuggled closer, and laid her head on Hoss's chest. "I was just thinking. When I hired that buggy and showed up at the Ponderosa, I guess I expected your family to be like you – kind and fair. But I never would have dreamed that people like Sheriff Coffee and Deputy Foster and Doctor Martin existed." Tenderly, Amanda stroked the baby's cheek, raised her head, and held Hoss's eyes captive. "No one else will ever know, Hoss. The sheriff took care of the marriage papers, the deputy and the doctor agreed to everything, and your . . . our family will never say a thing. And thanks to all of them, Evelyn is officially who I always knew she was – Hoss Cartwright's daughter."**

**"****And I thank you every day for giving me this little one." Hoss pulled Amanda closer. "And for arrangin' for me 'n' Pa to be alone this mornin'. I reckon I needed a little shove."**

**"****You and your father were alone?" Amanda smiled against Hoss's chest. "How did that go?"**

**Hoss kissed the top of her head. "I told him the truth, pure 'n' simple. He listened 'n' then he asked me if I loved you when . . . you know. I told him I loved you then, 'n' I love ya more every single day."**

**Amanda lifted her head and met Hoss's lips in a kiss. She nuzzled against his neck. "And what did he say?"**

**Hoss rested his chin on her head. "He said that what's done is done, and that we should all look to the future. Said we deserve happiness."**

**"****Are you happy, Hoss? Really happy?" She gazed into Hoss's eyes, pleading for his answer. "You don't feel . . . obligated, do you?"**

**Hoss quickly situated the baby between the pillows on the bed. Taking Amanda's waist in his hands, he pulled her to stand with him. Cupping her chin, he tipped it upward. "Amanda Cartwright, my heart married you in Frisco the night I gave you that ring. And Sheriff Coffee married us, again, the night I found my way back to the Ponderosa. The only obligation I have is to do my best ta make you 'n' Evie safe, happy, and loved. And darlin', that's a pleasure and nothin' more."**


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

**Every sound and each breath filled Ben Cartwright's soul with harmony. He stood on the porch, the steaming aroma of his coffee rising in the chilly morning air, and he studied the backdrop with seemingly fresh eyes. ****_Everything's clearer. The edges are sharper, the colors are more vibrant. It happens every time, every time they're all home. _****Ben relaxed against the post, crossed his ankles, and sipped his cooling coffee. As he swallowed, his reflections were confirmed by the waking cries of his granddaughter Evelyn.**

**In the days since she'd been born****, the plump, brown-haired cherub****had become the core of the Cartwright family, and her doting grandpa had fallen completely under her spell. Hearing her cries, it was all he could do to stay put against the post, and he nodded as he reminded himself that Amanda and Hoss had quickly become attentive, capable parents. **

**Evelyn's cries soon faded and the sweet scent of baking bread and frying bacon lured Ben inside. He'd just set his cup on the dining room table when Adam and Joe hurried down the stairs, their hushed conversation drawing Ben's curiosity. "Well, you two certainly have your heads together this morning."**

**Adam glanced at Joe, slid his chair, and reached for his napkin. "Joe and I were just divvying the morning's chores."**

**Joe snatched a strip of bacon from the platter on the table. "That's right, Pa. Doc Martin says Candy's wrist needs a few more days of rest, and Hoss . . ."**

**Adam's eyes glared a warning at Joe. They'd agreed days before to keep their concerns about Hoss to themselves for the time being.**

** "****Well," Joe continued, "Hoss's ribs are still healing, so it's up to Adam and me to take the tremendous weight of the chores on our shoulders."**

** "****Oh, brother," Adam grumbled as he spooned eggs onto his plate. **

**_They're up to something._****Despite the peace he'd felt on the porch, Ben was sure he knew what that something was – they were free of Jackson Findley, but Hoss still carried his months of captivity on his shoulders. **

**Hop Sing entered the room, a pot of fresh coffee in his hand. As he filled the cups, Adam and Joe busied themselves buttering thick slices of warm bread. **

** "****Where Mister Hoss? Missy Amanda need sleep when little one sleep, but Mister Hoss . . ."**

**Ben's eyebrows prodded Hop Sing to continue and failed. "But Mister Hoss what?"**

**Hop Sing straightened, squared his shoulders. "Mister Hoss need find path, make journey that lead back home."**

**Adam's fork stopped an inch short of his mouth. He glanced at his father and wondered just how long he and Joe would be able to shield him from their concerns. "Hoss is home, Hop Sing. And after the journey he made, I doubt that he's planning to leave any time soon."**

**Hop Sing shook his head and waved his hand from side to side. "Mister Adam no understand. Mister Hoss home at ranch, but Mister Hoss soul still not free of chains."**

**Ben inhaled deeply, propped his elbows on the table, and rested his chin in his clasped hands.**

**Joe lifted his eyes to his brother and shifted in his seat. "All Hoss needs is . . ."**

** "****All Hoss needs is what, little brother?" Hoss asked as he made his way down the staircase. He inhaled and smiled, making his way to the dining room table. "All Hoss needs is what?"**

**Joe fidgeted and fussed with his silverware. "I . . . I was just sayin' . . . I was tellin' Hop Sing . . ."**

**Adam grabbed the platter of food and hastily emptied the remaining food onto his plate. "Joe was just telling Hop Sing that you'd be needing some eggs and bacon."**

**Hoss looked with disappointment at the suddenly empty platter. "Well, in that case, little brother's right." Hoss sat, took a slice of bread, and tore a piece from the crust. "The baby ain't the only one that woke up to a powerful hunger. And her mama's bound ta be hankerin' fer some nice . . ."**

**"****Crisp bacon." Adam and Joe said. Everyone chuckled and Hop Sing, giggling as he picked up the empty platter, retreated to his duties in the kitchen. **

**"****What's so funny?" Amanda asked from the landing on the stairs.**

**Hoss leaped to his feet, nearly sending his chair toppling to the floor. "Darlin'," he said as he dashed to the steps, his voice tinged with anger, "I done told ya not ta take the steps without help, 'specially when yer carryin' the baby." He reached for his child, cradled her in his arm, and guided Amanda down the remaining stairs. **

**"****I know, Hoss, but I'm feeling much stronger, and I wanted to . . ."**

** "****I know," Hoss whispered, turning his back toward his father and brothers. His eyes shone with regret as he ran his fingertips along Amanda's cheek. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't 'a** **raised my voice around the baby. It's jist that . . ."**

**"****I'm not helpless, Hoss," Amanda said softly, shielding her face from concerned eyes. Wanting to avoid another uncomfortable scene, she swallowed her pride and inhaled deeply. "I won't carry her down the stairs until you say I can. Now, let's join the rest of the family. I'm starving." **

**Amanda reached the table, leaving Hoss behind, his emotions brawling with reality. ****_I done it again, made her feel like . . . like a prisoner. She don't deserve it. She's a good mama. I know she'd never do nothin' that would . . . _****"****Well, look who's wakin' up," Hoss said as his daughter wriggled in his arms. He slipped his finger into her tiny fist and she grabbed hold and yawned. "Evie, darlin', your timin' is somethin' else."**

** "****Evie?" Ben asked, his arms outstretched, begging to hold his granddaughter.**

** "****Evie." Adam nodded his approval.**

**"****I like it," Joe said. "Evie."**

**Ben traced the baby's chin with his fingertip. "Well, little miss. I think it's settled. Evie it is."**

**Evelyn "Evie" Cartwright chose that moment to stiffen her legs, press her fists against her cheeks, scrunch her little nose, and sigh.**


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER NINE**

**"****But Hoss, it's something I should do, something I need to do." Disappointment dimmed the sparkle of Amanda's eyes. She pressed her fists against her hips. "If you won't take me, I'm sure Joe or Adam or Candy or even your father will!" **

** "****Mandy." Hoss mashed his lips together and drummed his fingers against the dresser. "I'm yer husband, 'n' when I think you're ready ta go out, I'll be the one ta take you." **

**The silence was deafening. Amanda mustered her anger and disappointment, barely controlling the tears flooding her eyes. She knew Hoss would eventually regret raising his voice in anger, and she knew that his anger had its roots in fear.**

**Hoss's shoulders squared. "Mandy, ya gotta understand. Randall's grave . . . It's too far and it's just too soon. You ain't goin', 'n' that's that."**

**Amanda tilted her head and squinted. Who was this stranger before her, laying down the law as if her feelings didn't matter? This was not Hoss, not her kind and considerate husband. "It's too far? Who are you to tell me it's too far?" Amanda felt the words slip from her lips even as she tried to swallow them whole. Why had she opened her mouth? She gasped when Hoss's icy gaze locked on hers, and at once she was on her feet. But it was too late. He stormed for the bedroom door and slammed it on his way out. "Too far," Amanda cried as she slumped down on their bed. **

**Hoss took the steps with determination and his heavy footfall caught the attention of everyone downstairs. **

**Adam twisted atop the desk to better see his sullen brother. With one foot propped on the hearth, Joe shoved the poker into its stand and followed Hoss with his eyes. Staring with worry as his son plodded across the room, Ben rose from his chair, and when he called Hoss's name, Hoss turned, his glare hitting Ben square in the chest. Stunned by his son's pained expression, Ben watched as he continued to the front door and, foregoing his hat, stepped into the chilly morning air. Hoss slammed the door behind him, leaving his flabbergasted father and brothers standing together inside. **

**"****Pa," Joe said softly, "he's . . . Hoss is outside. He hasn't stepped from the house since . . ."**

**"****I know, Joseph, I know."**

**In that moment, Amanda dashed down the stairs. She'd collected both her thoughts and her resolve, and in her haste to find her husband, she sped across the floor and bumped quite harshly into Joe. "Hoss," Amanda said, smoothing Joe's sleeves in apology. "I have to find Hoss." She turned sharply, knocking into Ben's chest. "I'm so sorry." She nervously righted Ben's vest. "I must get to Hoss." Spinning on her heels, Amanda found herself blocked by Adam, and when she finally met the anxious eyes of the three men, her heart was pounding in her ears. "Where is Hoss?"**

** "****Why don't you sit down, my dear?" Ben insisted as he ushered Amanda to the settee. "You're face is quite flushed."**

**Although she protested at first, Amanda conceded and found herself surrounded. "I won't sit, Mr. Cartwright. I need to find Hoss. Why won't you tell me where he is?"**

** "****He's outside," Adam said calmly. **

** "****I have to . . ." Amanda shook her head and stood abruptly. "Did you say he's outside?" **

** "****That's right."**

**Amanda took three dazed steps, pushing herself between Adam and Joe. "He's outside," she whispered, staring at the door. "He's outside. It worked!"**

** "****Worked? What worked?" Ben asked, his question hanging in the air. "Amanda, under normal circumstances, I wouldn't pry, but, well, I know these past few weeks have been . . . difficult, to say the least." **

**With a sheepish smirk, Amanda inhaled deeply. "I challenged Hoss."**

** "****Challenged?"**

**Amanda nodded. Her face dropped and her nose tingled as she spoke. "You see, today would have been Randall's birthday." **

**Ben took Amanda's hands in his, and Joe gently squeezed her shoulder. **

**"****I woke up missing him terribly." Amanda paused, her throat tightening with each word. "With Hoss and the wedding and the baby . . . I haven't even seen where Randall was laid to rest. I haven't said goodbye to my friend." She shook her emotions away, wiped her cheeks, and stood facing the closed front door. "So, this morning, I told Hoss I was going to visit Randall's grave, and I was prepared to ask one of you to take me if he wasn't willing to go outside. And that's when he forbade me to go and stormed out of the bedroom." **

**Ben's brow wrinkled and he stole a fleeting glance at each of his sons. "I see."**

**Amanda was quick to defend her husband. "I know I shouldn't have just announced that I was going to pay my respects to Randall. I know that Hoss is worried about me, worried that I'll do too much too soon." Amanda could see that her reasoning was doing nothing to convince Hoss's father and brothers. "Not only is Hoss a new husband, he's a new father – a father who didn't have the chance to get used to the idea for more than a couple of weeks before Evelyn was born."**

**Ben grasped Amanda's hand and she turned slowly, averting her eyes from everyone in the room. "Amanda, it's true that Hoss is a new husband and father, but those roles come naturally to him. They come from his heart." Ben smiled. "But his heart can't seem to accept what happened to him. He's suffering the after affects of . . ."**

**"****Of my . . . of Jackson's twisted mind," Amanda said angrily.**

**Ben faced his daughter-in-law. "Yes, of Jackson's twisted mind." He held her shoulders gently. "****His****twisted mind, Amanda. ****His****, not yours. None of this is your fault. And it's up to us, all of us, to help Hoss. We've all been dancing around the fact that he's not yet himself. He's been anxious about leaving the house, leaving you and Evie. He's afraid, afraid of losing what he loves most. Whether we agree with him or not, he's afraid for you or any of us to step out of this house." Ben signaled for Amanda to sit, and he quickly knelt in front of her. "Hoss is outside. It may seem like nothing to us, but to him . . . Amanda, I know my son. He wants to be well again, to take you to say your goodbyes to Randall, to get his everyday life back. This, this is his way of taking the first steps back to the life he deserves. His life with his wife and daughter."**


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER TEN**

**The crisp morning air did nothing to cool Hoss's temper as he stood gasping on the Ponderosa's front porch. His arms hung taut at his sides and his fingers curled into fists. **_**Why? Why did I say them things? I wasn't raised ta talk ta women that way, 'specially not the woman I love!**_**His brow creased, and he stared out across the yard. **_**She don't understand. I'm jist tryin' to protect us. As long as we stay here, at the house, we're safe. Out there, anything could happen. **_

_**Hoss steadied himself against the post. **__**Out there. Out there, a man can make camp one night 'n' end up in chains, no water, no air, no light.**____**Hoss hugged himself, shaking his head, driving the memories away.**_

___**I cain't let nothin' bad happen. We're safe right here, all of us. Safe. **__**Hoss nodded unconvincingly. **____**Maybe, if I could jist make it out there. If I can jist step into the barn, the place where . . .**_

**His eyes clamped shut. **_**Dadburnit! I'm a grown man! Why am I afraid? I've done it a thousand times, maybe a million! Why am I afraid to walk across the yard?**_**He bowed his head, rubbed his tired eyes, and ran his hand through his hair****. ****_It's the nightmares. After all this time, they ain't lettin' up none. _**

_**Suddenly, his wrists burned, and he held his trembling hands in front of his face.**_ _**The chains. So black in that mine . . . and them chains. Them chains was out there . . . in our barn. **__**Hoss blinked again and again, frantically searching his wrists. **__**Nothin'. There's nothing there but the scars. Why can I still feel them chains?**_

**A soft breeze ruffled his hair, and he shivered****. ****_The mine. It was always dark. How many days? I lost count. And the ground. The ground was wet. The air was cold. I'm still cold!_****Hugging his chest, he mashed his lips together. ****_Why ain't it over? _****_He pounded his chest with his fists. _****_Them nightmares is jist dreams. Jackson's dead and long buried. Ain't no way he can hurt us, no way he'll ever touch Amanda or Evelyn or Pa. He ain't gonna hurt anybody ever again!_**

**Determination inched across his face, and he dropped his arms and filled his lungs with air. **_**I gotta do this. **_**He glanced at the boards beneath his feet, raised his head, and lifted one foot from the ground. **

**Hoss leaned forward, beads of sweat glistening on his forehead. **_**There ain't nothin' to be afraid of and . . . Mandy and Evelyn, they deserve more.**_**He closed his eyes, set his jaw, and convinced his foot to take him one step closer to healing. But as his boot hit the ground, his confidence was shattered by a sudden, sharp cry. "Evie!" He spun around, his eyes lifted to the open window in the bedroom above. "Evie."**

**Staggering, he steadied himself against the post as the sound grew louder. He shook his head and rubbed his eyes as his daughter's cries changed into laughter – the evil, self-satisfied laughter of Jackson Findley. Hoss turned on his heels, his heart pounding, eyes wide with terror. "No! It ain't real!" he shouted as the cackling once again became his little girl's cries. With one final, angry glance at the barn, Hoss flung the front door open and rushed into the room, slowing just long enough to question his wife.**

**"****Ain'tcha heard Evie?" Hoss barked, his eyes blazing.**

**Stunned, Amanda hurried to the foot of the stairs. "Yes, Hoss, but . . ."**

**"****When my daughter cries," Hoss yelled harshly, grabbing the baluster with both hands, "I 'xpect ya ta go to her!" Bounding up the staircase, Hoss left his shocked family behind. **

**Amanda hid her face, speaking toward the floor. "Ex . . . excuse me. I need to . . . I should . . . Excuse me." **

**Ben reached for his daughter-in-law. "Amanda." He watched helplessly as she gathered her skirts in her fists and dashed upstairs. With one hand on his hip, Ben ran the other through his hair. **

**"****What do you suppose brought that about?" Adam asked as he stepped next to his father.**

**"****Hoss had no call to talk to her like that," Joe insisted as he started up the stairs.**

**Ben took hold of Joe's arm, stalling him on the second step. "Joseph, come back down. We mustn't interfere."**

**"****Interfere? The man that went up those stairs isn't acting like my brother, and he certainly isn't behaving like your son! Ever since he came back, Hoss isn't Hoss anymore!"**

**"****Joseph . . ."**

**"****I lost him once," Joe interrupted, looking from his father to Adam and back again. "We lost him. It was nothing short of a miracle that brought him back. And I, for one, am not gonna stand by and watch while my brother disappears again!" **

**Adam folded his arms across his chest. "Joe, what Hoss had to endure when Findley's men were holding him . . . I can't begin to imagine, but I do know a little bit about it. Believe me, Joe, Hoss has some demons to conquer."**

**Joe faced his father and brother, his eyes anxious and confused. "Findley's dead, Adam. I'd call that conquered." Ben stole a glance at Adam, and their expressions frightened Joe. "Pa always taught us to help one another. Together, we stand strongest!"**

**Adam faced his youngest brother. "You're right, Joe, but Findley's only part of it. Hoss has a lot of adjusting to do." Adam flinched as memories of Kane washed over him, and he folded his arms across his chest to mask the shudder. "And we can be there to steady Hoss when he wobbles, to catch him when he falls. But Hoss is the one who has to come to terms with everything Findley put him through." Adam's eyes trailed up the stairs, and his brother and father's couldn't help but follow.**

**At the end of the upstairs hallway, Amanda paced, her hands fretting as embarrassment quickly swelled into anger. She'd never seen Hoss so upset, and the raised voices in the bedroom were frightening their child. When the voices subsided, her daughter's cries faded, but the quiet did nothing to calm Amanda's temper. ****_I know he's haunted, day and night, but I thought he was healing. I thought . . . But this? _****Amanda glared at the door. ****_This is just too much! _**

**Amanda gripped the doorknob and stormed into the room. "It's enough that you're insisting that Evelyn and I can't leave the house, but don't you ever dare to suggest that I'd neglect . . ."**

**"****I was wrong." Gently, Hoss handed his daughter into Hop Sing's waiting arms.**

**Amanda stuttered, her breath catching in her throat. **

**Hoss thrust his hands into his trouser pockets and stared at the floor. "Hop Sing done told me he offered to see to Evie." He lifted his eyes to hers. "But Amanda, you shoulda been the one tending her."**

**Hop Sing bounced Evie as he walked toward her cradle. "Missy Evelyn no like diaper change. Hop Sing tell Mister Hoss, hear little one make happy sounds, Hop Sing come right away. Hop Sing change diaper, little one make much noise. Eyes closed when she cry. Diaper change over, open eyes, see her pa, little one smile, happy now." He leaned forward, about to lay the baby in her cradle when Amanda's unexpected request sent him scurrying out of the room.**

**"****Hop Sing, would you please take Evelyn down to her grandpa?" **

**Hoss was still angry, but he looked everywhere, avoiding Amanda's eyes and the look of disappointment he sensed on her face. It wasn't until Hop Sing closed the door behind him that Hoss bore the rage behind her disappointment.**

** "****Mandy, I . . ." The intensity of Amanda's glare caught Hoss off guard, and his words took refuge in his mind and his heart. **

**"****My****daughter?"**

**Hoss furrowed his brow and took a cautious step in her direction. "I don't understand."**

**"****My****. . . daughter."**

**Hoss shook his head. "I don't know . . ."**

**"****That's what you called Evelyn. 'My daughter.' I believe your exact words were, 'When ****my****daughter cries, I expect you to go to her!'"** **Amanda swiped harshly at the tears marring her cheeks. "She's our daughter, Hoss. Not yours, not mine. Ours!" Hoping to hide the rawness of her pain, Amanda started across the room, brushing past Hoss and shirking from his reach. "And if you think I could ever neglect our child, harm her in any way, you don't know me at all!"**

**Hoss turned to see Amanda's silhouette framed in the window's morning sun. "I know you would never hurt Evie, 'n' what I said downstairs, I . . ."**

**"****What you said downstairs, you said in front of your father and your brothers!" Amanda spun around to face him. "Do you know how embarrassing that was, Hoss? What must they think? That I shirk my responsibilities as Evie's mama? That I'm a devoted little wife who takes orders from her husband? That all I'm capable of doing is tending to ****your****daughter? I can't even step outside, Hoss! It's as if I'm some sort of . . . prisoner!"**

**Amanda regretted her words the moment they left her lips. She hid her face in her hands, tears spilling down her cheeks as she stepped toward Hoss. "Oh, Hoss, I'm sorry. I didn't mean . . ."**

**Pain exploded in Hoss's head and he gasped as his vision clouded. He clenched his eyes, and the cloud cleared to reveal an evil face where Amanda's had been. ****_"_****_You're my prisoner, Cartwright!"_****The shape distorted as the room wavered to and fro. ****_"_****_Amanda is mine, Cartwright! I'll get her, right here in this house, I'll get her and she'll be mine!_****"****Hoss grabbed his head as he staggered backward. He blinked frantically, over and over again and still, the face of Jackson Findley stood in the window before him.**


	11. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**

**"****I killed you! I killed you!"**

** "****Hoss, what are you talking about?" Amanda stepped closer. "What is it? What's the matter?"**

**Hoss thrust his palm forward. "I . . . killed . . . you!"**

** "****You what?" Amanda tried to smile as she reached for him. "Hoss, maybe you should sit down. Let me help you."**

** "****Stay back! You stay back! I won't let you, you hear me?" He squared his shoulders and grabbed his broken ribs. "You ain't gonna touch me, Findley. Not ever again!"**

**Amanda whimpered, her eyes darting to the doorway. "Hoss, it's me, Amanda."**

** "****Don't you say it! Don't you dare say her name!"**

** "****Hoss," her voice was soft as she skirted the room, "let me by. Let me get your father."**

** "****My pa?" Hoss moved toward Amanda. "My pa? No! You're not going anywhere near my pa! I'll stop you, you hear me? Even if I have to . . ."**

**"****HOSS!" Ben shouted as he stood in the hallway, shocked by the sight of his son advancing on Amanda, his fist drawn high. Ben lunged, his outstretched arms wrapping around Hoss's back, seizing him from behind. **

** "****I'll kill you, Findley!" Hoss spat, writhing against the strong arms that held him. "I'll killed you once, and I'll kill you again!"**

**"****Hoss! Settle down!" Ben cried, their thrashing lifting Ben off his feet. "Findley's not here, Hoss!"**

** "****What's going on?"**

** "****Joe! Get Amanda out of here!" Ben yelled as Joe and Adam burst into the room. **

** "****I done told you not to say her name!" Hoss's arms burst forth, forcing his father to the floor. **

**Ben landed with a thud, scrambled to his feet, and, nodding to Adam, they rushed Hoss yet again. **

** "****Don't hurt him!" Amanda cried, shrugging free of Joe's grip.**

**Hoss growled, shoving Adam against the dresser. **

** "****Hoss, what's wrong with you?" Joe pleaded, his voice barely heard above Amanda's cries.**

** "****Pa! Duck!" Adam lunged for Hoss, his fingers digging into Hoss's forearm. **

** "****Let go of me, Adam! Cain't ya see, it's Findley?"**

** "****Findley's . . . dead . . . Hoss." Adam strained to keep hold of his brother's fist.**

**Hoss clenched his teeth, and a growl sprouted from deep in his chest. "You're all liars!"**

** "****Hoss," Amanda sobbed, clinging to the doorframe, "please, stop!"**

**Ben turned his head toward his youngest. "Joseph! Do as I said! Get Amanda out of here!"**

** "****Amanda, come with . . ." Joe's hold on Amanda faltered as she squirmed free, and he reached after her, but not before she stepped back into Hoss's line of sight.**

** "****Hoss," Amanda said, her even tone belying her fear, "it's Amanda. Listen to my voice."**

**"****Voice . . . the voices . . ." Hoss whispered, his thrashing suddenly waning. "Voices . . . Can't . . . Chains, bangin' agin the rocks." He closed his eyes and tried to shake away the sounds. **

**"****The chains are gone, son." Ben hold Hoss firmly in his grip. "You're free, Hoss. You're home, on the Ponderosa with your wife."**

**"****Wife?" Hoss shouted, tossing Ben against the bed. "Don't you call her your wife! You ain't fit ta be a man let alone a husband!" Hoss staggered toward the bed, fists clenched, arms swinging into the air. **

**"****Hoss!" Adam hurtled himself against his brother. "That's Pa! Hoss! Stop!"**

**Adam's pleas went unheard as Hoss grabbed for Ben's shoulders. "And I'm gonna see to it that you never lay a hand on Amanda again!"**

**"****Hoss, no!" Amanda screamed. "Don't hurt him!" Desperate to get to Hoss, she wriggled in Joe's hold and when she managed to free her arm, she swung at Joe, missing his shoulder and catching him square in the eye. **

**Stunned, Joe fumbled, and Amanda broke free. She rushed toward Hoss, not sure how, but hoping to calm his rage. Her touch against his forearm only redirected his frenzy, and before Adam or Joe could react, Amanda was shoved across the room. Her back slammed against the window frame, and she moaned as she fought to right herself.**

**Cries of outrage and panic resounded in the room. As Adam started for Hoss, Joe rushed to Amanda's side. Hoss let out a ferocious growl and bounded across the room. **

**"****Hoss! Nnnooo!" Ben pleaded, wobbling as his feet hit the floor. **

**Hoss staggered, holding his head with both hands as he lumbered forward. "Findley, I'm gonna . . ." **

**"****The window! Stop him!" **

**Hoss pitched forward. Joe threw his arms around Amanda, and they toppled to the floor. Adam reached for Hoss, but his brother's momentum was more than he could handle, and as the rest of the Cartwrights watched helplessly, Hoss careened against the bedroom window. The crisp percussion of splintering glass and the moaning whoosh of desperate breathing filled the room. Adam quickly wedged himself between the shattered pane and Hoss's shoulder, and Joe sprung to his feet and lodged himself in front of Hoss. **

**Ignoring the shards and trickling blood that dotted his forearms, Hoss stood still, gasping for every breath. "What'd I do? Why did I . . . Oh, Lord . . . did I hurt anybody? Did I . . .?" Hoss clamped his eyes shut, tears and sweat trickling down his face.**

**In the yard below, Candy nearly fell as he charged from the bunkhouse and came to an abrupt stop below the broken window. "Everything all right up there?" **

**His eyes trained on Hoss, Joe called out through the broken window, "We need the doctor, Candy, and hurry!"**


	12. Chapter 12

**CHAPTER TWELVE**

**"****Doctor?" Hoss closed his eyes, his bloodied hands holding fast to the sides of his head. As Adam held him steady, the murky voices and the blurry face of Jackson Findley slowly began to disappear. "Did I . . . Adam, did I hurt someone? Did I?" Panic gripped Hoss and he turned, searching each anguished face in the room. "Did I hurt Mandy?"**

**Adam led his shaken brother to a chair. "She's all right, Hoss." A worried glance over his shoulder assured Adam that Joe was helping Amanda to her feet, and as he lowered Hoss into the chair, Adam felt their father's presence behind him. "It's over, Hoss. It was a dream is all. You didn't hurt anyone." **

**"****Adam's right, son." Ben's reassuring hands gripped Hoss's shoulder. "Try to relax."**

**Hoss felt the firm, gentle hands of his brother and father, but their touch failed to stop his shuddering, and their words fell on ears that couldn't ignore the muted sound coming from down the hall. "Evie?" Hoss bounded to his feet, seized Adam's shoulders, and yanked him to his chest. With desperation in his sapphire eyes, Hoss whispered, "Tell me, Adam, please. Tell me I didn't hurt Evie."**

**Adam gasped, the terror in Hoss's eyes gripping his heart. He tried twice to speak; his throat narrowed with emotion, and when Amanda laid her hand against his back, he nearly thanked her out loud.**

**"****You didn't hurt Evie, Hoss," Amanda said, her soothing voice betraying her fear. Taking careful steps, she slipped between the brothers.**

**Hoss turned his eyes, and as he let himself sink into her peaceful face, he released his hold on Adam.**

**"****Hop Sing is with Evie, Hoss," Amanda explained. "I'll go to her right now if you want me to. But, I'd rather stay here with you."**

**Hoss closed his mouth and tried to swallow. **

**Amanda reached up, smiling faintly as she touched his cheek with her fingers. She paused, waiting for the familiar glimmer in his eyes, the glimmer that bonded them and shut out the rest of the world. "You could never hurt Evie, Hoss. Never." Amanda stroked his cheek. "She's probably in need of a change again is all, and you know how much that riles her." **

**Hoss's nod was vague.**

**As the crying relaxed to a whimper, Amanda drew her hand to Hoss's chest, relieved to feel that his breathing was slowing. "See there? Hop Sing must have finished changing her." Amanda nodded, her eyes imploring Hoss to do the same. "I'll go to her, Hoss, if you want me to."**

**"****She's all right?" Hoss whispered. "I didn't hurt her none?"**

**Tenderly, Amanda took his face in her hands. "No, Hoss. You didn't hurt her or anyone else."**

**Ben stepped closer, and Adam and Joe followed. "We're all here, son. And we're all fine."**

**Hoss panned the reassuring faces and he blushed with shame. Clasping Amanda's hands in his, he pressed them against his chest. He stared down at their hands, hers dainty and soft, his bruised and scabbed. "It ain't never happened before, not like this." **

**"****No, Hoss, it hasn't," Amanda said, longing for the first time to lie to the man she loved, to tell him that the nightmares would haunt him no more, to make him believe that those same dreams didn't frighten her almost as much as Jackson Findley, and to tell him that he hadn't come close to harming his father and brothers and her. **

**Ben stepped closer and set his hand on Hoss's shoulder. "Why don't we go downstairs, maybe have a cup of coffee while we wait for . . ."**

**"****Doc Martin." Hoss dropped his eyes and released Amanda's hands. He inhaled deeply, his jaw twitched, and his neck tensed. **

**Ben watched, captivated as Amanda's eyes coaxed Hoss from his fears.**

**"****I reckon you were right, Mandy. I gotta see Doc Martin."**

**. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .**

**Since the day Hoss had saved his family from Jackson Findley, Ben had spent countless hours questioning Paul Martin's suggestion that they let Hoss dictate his own recovery. Ben could barely wrap his head around the torture his son had suffered at the hands of Findley and his gang, and that morning he'd witnessed the aftermath and the torment that lingered still. He'd known about the nightmares, heard them in fact, and now, as the sun shone in the afternoon sky, Ben stood in the kitchen measuring coffee into the pot. He sensed Hoss's presence long before Hoss gathered the courage to speak. **

**"****Pa?"**

**The tone of Hoss's voice made Ben's chest ache. Fighting to still his shaking hands, he busied himself with his task, listening intently for the arrival of Doctor Martin's buggy. He filled the pot with water, then stacked five cups and saucers onto a silver tray. "I'm afraid I'm not as efficient as Hop Sing when it comes to making coffee." He chuckled nervously. "It should be ready soon, but it may be a bit too . . ."**

**"****Pa."**

**Ben closed his eyes and gulped, holding captive the words he longed to say. He turned slowly, transferring the tray to the table in the center of the kitchen. "I think some of Hop Sing's ginger cookies would go nicely with this coffee." Ben had yet to look at his son, and he focused on the pantry door as he made his way across the room. **

**"****Pa!"**

**Ben froze in place. He could skirt his son's pleas no longer. "Hoss," he said, avoiding the eyes he'd once thought lost to him forever, "I think it best if we wait for . . ."**

**"****I'm scared, Pa."**

**Ben's knees grew weak, and he closed his eyes, the image of Hoss as a young boy filling his vision. **

**"****I ain't been scared like this since I was a young'n, and I ain't a young'n no more. I'm a pa, a pa and a husband."**

**Ben harvested his courage and turned to face his son. "Hoss . . ."**

**"****I did somethin' I shouldn't oughtta done, Pa."**

**"****Hoss, what happened this morning wasn't your . . ."**

**"****I've been takin' laudanum, Pa." Already staring blankly at the floor, Hoss wrung his hands. "And this mornin' I took more than Doc Martin said I should."**

**Shaken by his son's admission, Ben found himself torn. Had the overdose of laudanum caused a breach, freeing the nightmares to torture them all? Or had the medicine simply provided an audience to the suffering Hoss still endured? Scrambling for a father's words, Ben suddenly felt small and unsure.**

**Hoss found his father's helpless eyes. "Ya gotta know, Pa, I . . . I've been doin' like Doc Martin said, but it ain't done no good. I've been takin' the laudanum at night so's I wouldn't hurt so much, so's I could sleep, but . . ." Hoss gritted his teeth and the muscles in his neck bulged. "The other night, we were sleepin', Mandy, Evie, 'n' me, and, well, the voices came, and then the faces came, and they were separate, ya know, sorta floatin' around, but never together." Hoss hugged his chest. "I got cold, Pa, real cold, like when you're caught in a storm without a slicker 'n' the night air weighs heavy against ya." **

**Ben's skin prickled, and he stifled a shiver.**

**"****And then the faces 'n' voices all came together." Hoss ran a hand through his hair and shoved the other into his pocket. "I opened my eyes, but I was still sleepin', and he was there, Findley, standin' over Evie's cradle." Hoss's nostrils flared, and he spoke through clenched teeth. "And then he put his hands on her." **

**Ben jolted as Hoss yanked his hand free and hammered his fist against the kitchen table.**

**"****He touched my child, Pa!" Hoss's hiss brimmed with rage and spittle flew from his lips with each word. "He put his ****filthy**** hands on my little girl!" **

**"****It wasn't real, son." Ben faced Hoss and leaned his palms against the table. "Findley's dead. He didn't touch Evie, and he never will."**

**The lines on Hoss's forehead deepened, and he wagged his head. "But he did, Pa, in my dream he did – a dream that was as real as you 'n' me standin' here. Findley picked my baby up outta her cradle while I lay there, shackled to my own bed!"**

**Ben reached out, and Hoss shook his head and pushed the hand away.**

**"****No, Pa! Don't try ta help me. I don't deserve nobody's help!"**

**Hoss's words stabbed at Ben's heart. **

**"****We're all here to help you, son."**

**"****No, Pa! Don'tcha see? In my nightmare, when Findley took Evie, she started cryin' and callin' for me, Pa! I know she cain't talk, but I swear she was beggin' me to help her! Beggin' her pa to help her, and I couldn't. Them chains were on my ankles," Hoss held his trembling hands in front of his face, "and on my wrists 'n' I couldn't help her, Pa!"**

**Ben rushed around the table and gripped Hoss's shoulder, and when Hoss leaned into his father's grasp, Ben lost the ability to speak. **

**"****Pa, I hollered."**

**"****I don't understand."**

**"****I yanked on the shackles 'n' when they didn't give, I hollered! I hollered in my nightmare, in my bedroom. Mandy was already awake. She said I was thrashin' 'n' moanin' for a bit and then I hollered, and I scared her, Pa. I promised her I'd never do nothin' ta scare her, but I did!"**

**Ben squeezed the drooping shoulder. "Hoss, I'm sure Amanda understands that it was a nightmare."**

**"****That ain't it, Pa. I hollered and I scared Evie. I made her cry. I scared my little girl! What if . . . What if she's afraid of me, Pa?"**

**"****That will never happen, Hoss," Amanda said as she stepped into the kitchen. She moved closer, nodding as Ben stepped aside. Placing her hands along Hoss's neck, she smiled into his teary eyes. "You're a big man, Hoss. There's no getting around that." Her hands slid down his arms, and her fingers laced with his. "But anyone worth your time sees you as so much more. You're smart, gentle, and fair-minded, and you have so much love to give. I promise you, Hoss, Evie feels safe in your arms.** **The only thing she fears, the only thing we all fear, is losing you."**


	13. Chapter 13

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

**Murky grounds skated along the porcelain curves, the tiny specks reuniting randomly at the bottom of Amanda's cup. Lost in a numbing haze, she sipped her coffee in rhythm to the ever-mounting tension in the room. She herded her memories, circling them tightly around the vision of her husband's torment earlier that day. She should have seen it coming. Hoss hadn't been the same since the night he dreamt that Jackson took Evie. No, that wasn't true; he hadn't been the same since Jackson abducted him. **

**Amanda's stomach lurched, and she turned away and shivered. How could a chance meeting in a San Francisco restaurant lead to kidnapping, devastating loss, and torture? Did the blessing of being loved by a gentle, honest man doom him to a life of nightmares and fear? **

**The stillness in the living room shattered when Joe sprung from the settee, nearly tripping over Candy's feet, and asked the question on everyone's lips. "What's taking so long?" **

** "****Joseph, sit down," Ben said. "We're all anxious to hear what Doctor Martin has to say, and I'm sure it won't be much longer."**

**Joe glared into his father's eyes. "That's what you said an hour ago."**

**"****Joe." Adam's voice was quiet and clipped. **

**At times like these, a single word from Adam usually led to reflection, and regret strangled Joe's frustration. "I'm sorry." He turned away, propped his foot on the hearth, and stared into the flickering flames. **

**Creaking footfall along the upstairs hallway brought Ben and Adam to their feet. Joe and Candy started for the staircase but stopped, held fast by invisible bars of fear. Anxious eyes lifted, following Doctor Martin as he made his way down the stairs, and when he paused at the bottom, Amanda stepped alongside the others. **

**"****Paul?" **

**"****Hoss is all right. He's in your room, Ben, trying to get some much needed sleep."**

**"****My room?"**

**"****That's right. Now, why don't you all have a seat? I'll explain what I know, and we'll figure the rest out together."**

**Once the Cartwrights were all settled, Paul reached inside of his medical bag and presented a small envelope of laudanum. "Let me start by saying that I have Hoss's permission to discuss this with you – all of you. Ben, Amanda, I understand that the two of you already know about this."**

**Joe's eyes met Adam's from across the room. **

**The exchange did not go unnoticed, and Ben felt the need to explain. "Hoss told Amanda and me just before Paul arrived."**

**"****Told you what?" Joe asked impatiently. **

**This time, Adam gave no reprimand. **

**Paul closed his fingers around the envelope and hung his thumbs inside his vest pockets. "Perhaps I should go back a bit."**

**"****Just tell us what's happened to Hoss!" Candy demanded.**

**Amanda laid a gentle hand on Candy's forearm. "Please, Doctor Martin, explain what happened to my husband."**

**Paul considered the faces of his friends, each one suspended in its own public anguish, and he bowed his head and inhaled a private prayer for them all. "As you must know, Hoss hasn't been sleeping much since he came home . . . since he disappeared all those months ago. You also know that his physical injuries were such that I needed to prescribe something for relief. So I gave him laudanum, and it should have eased his pain and helped him to sleep. But Hoss's restlessness stems from more than just his physical injuries."**

**"****The nightmares."**

**"****That's right, Amanda, the nightmares. The laudanum has been doing its job, alleviating most of his pain, but I'm afraid the drug itself has made Hoss more susceptible to these disturbing dreams."**

**"****Dreams?" Joe was on his feet. "I've heard those dreams, night after night. We all have, but we're just hearing them. My brother Hoss is living them." Joe ran his fingers through his hair. "This morning, those nightmares became real. The man who said those crazy things and nearly threw himself out the window was not my brother!"**

**A sincere look from Paul lowered Joe back onto the chair. "But he is, Joe. That man is your brother, even when he's taken too much laudanum."**

**"****Too much?" Candy asked.**

**"****I'm afraid so."**

**Candy took a deep breath, letting the doctor's words settle in his mind. Joe propped elbows on his knees and lowered his chin against his fists, his head shaking in disbelief. Adam stared into the fireplace, his thumb rubbing gently on the armrest of his chair. **

**Ben studied his sons and his foreman, knowing with certainty their shock would wither and determination would guide them to Hoss's side. But when he glanced at Amanda, Ben's eyes brimmed with worry. There was blame in her eyes, and he wondered just who it was she held responsible.**

** "****It was accidental, right?" Candy nodded, scooting to the edge of the settee. His cautious smile faded as he glanced at around the room. "Hoss hasn't been sleeping, we all know that. He took a dose of the powder and simply forgot when he took it, and then he swallowed more and . . . well, we all know what happened."**

**Paul hung his head and contemplated his next words.**

**Joe bounded to his feet and stepped in front of Paul. "Candy's right, isn't he, Doc? Hoss didn't try to . . . I mean, he'd never . . ."**

** "****Hoss knew he was taking too much," Amanda said softly. **

**Candy collapsed against the settee cushion. Adam gripped the armrest, sprung from the chair, and steadied himself on the staircase railing. **

**Joe turned and faced his father. "Pa?"**

**Ben's nod was weak and sympathetic, but it was Amanda who answered their silent questions.**

**"****The other night, Hoss had his worst nightmare yet. He dreamt that Jackson was in our bedroom, holding Evie in his arms. He said the room smelled of moss and mildew, and his wrists and ankles ached, just like back at the mine where Jackson held him all those weeks." Amanda hugged herself, her eyes fixed on the table in the room. "In the dream, Hoss begged Jackson to put Evie back in her cradle, but Jackson only laughed and told him that he'd killed all of you, and that I'd said Evie wasn't Hoss's child." Amanda retched and then took a deep breath before continuing. **

**"****Hoss told me that Evie called to him, 'Papa, please help me.' " Tears steamed down Amanda's cheeks, and she sought strength in Ben's face. "He screamed Evie's name as he woke up. I reached for him, but he didn't seem to know I was there. He just sat in the bed, gasping for air." Amanda shuddered, and Adam was first at her side, but she shook her head and pushed him away. "I went to Evie. Oh, she was so frightened. Her papa's voice had never held such anger, such desperation. I tried to soothe her, and all the while I heard Hoss whispering over and over, 'I scared my Evie, I scared my Evie." When she finally stopped crying, I bent down to lay her in the cradle. I just wanted to tend to Hoss, but he jumped from the bed and screamed that Jackson would take her from us."**

**"****I remember," Ben said, kneeling at Amanda's side. "I heard that nightmare."**

**Amanda nodded. "The dreams of Jackson and his men, lying in wait around every corner, are keeping Hoss a prisoner. But the thought of Evie growing up afraid of her pa . . . That's why Hoss took more laudanum than Doctor Martin had prescribed. He thought that if he could just get a little sleep, then maybe he could bury the nightmares once and for all, and then he could prove to Evie that she didn't have anything to be afraid of. But instead of helping him sleep, the drug brought the nightmares to life." Amanda crumbled against Ben's shoulder. "It's my fault. All of this is my fault. I brought Jackson into Hoss's life!"**

**Ben wrapped his arm around her shoulders, but Amanda shrugged it off and stood, her trembling body suddenly stiffening. She spoke, in turn, to each of the faces in the room. "I'm a strong woman, but I can't bear seeing Hoss suffer this way."**

**As Ben reached for Amanda, she bolted, pushing past Joe and Candy. Just as she felt Adam's hand on her shoulder, her outstretched fingers grasped the door latch. She spun around, shirking Adam's touch, and the naked emotion on her face weighed on Adam's heart. The latch creaked, and Amanda fled the house, darting across the yard and into the barn, unaware of the figure watching from the bedroom window above.**


	14. Chapter 14

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN**

**"****Aw, Mandy, please forgive me." He knew she couldn't hear him as she dashed across the yard, but Hoss hoped that somehow she would feel his plea. As she raced across the yard, his fingertips traced her path along the window pane. Moments before, at the top of the staircase, he'd heard his family as they'd discussed his unpredictable behavior. His shame had grown as he'd listened to Amanda reliving his nightmares, bearing the guilt of it all on her delicate shoulders. And now, as she ran toward the barn, her hands covering her face, Hoss's breath suddenly came in erratic spurts. Sweat trailed down his forehead and dripped in front of his eyes. ****_Don't she know it's dangerous out there? _****Seeing his wife's anguish unleashed more humiliation and pain than his torture of the past year. As she disappeared through the barn door, his fingertips skidded down the pane and his jaw tightened. Every nerve in his body ached for her.**

** "****I gotta do it." He turned and faced the bedroom door. "I just gotta do it."**

**With no memory of movement, Hoss once again found himself at the crest of the staircase,** **peering at those gathered in the room below. **

**"****Joseph, don't," Hoss heard his father say. **

**"****Pa, she's upset, and . . ."**

**"****She just needs time, Joe." His father's voice was unconvincing.**

**Adam sauntered to the open door, glancing out at the barn before guiding it shut. "Pa's right." **

**He didn't sound certain, and Joe heard the same doubt as Hoss. "But, Pa, she's alone out there. You heard her, she blames herself for everything, and we all know that the person to blame is . . ."**

**"****Me!" Hoss plodded down the steps and tore across the room in silence, hesitating just inches from the front door. He stared at the knob, his fisted hands at his sides. "What I did this mornin', I . . . I promise I didn't mean for none of it to happen."**

**Joe started for his brother. "Jackson Findley's to blame, Hoss."**

**Without blinking, Hoss waved and stopped Joe in his tracks.**

**"****Listen to Joe, Hoss," Candy insisted. "None of this would've happened if . . ."**

**"****It did happen, Candy." Hoss tapped a fist against the door, his chest heaving with each breath. "And now, I gotta make things right."**

**Drawn to the fear in his son's voice, Ben moved toward the door. "Doctor Martin said you were resting, son. Maybe you should . . ." **

**"****I ain't gonna rest, Pa." Hoss stared at his hand and gripped the knob. "Mandy needs me." **

**The smooth brass knob was cold against his fingers. ****_The mine._****Musty memories seeped into his lungs. ****_Not this time. You ain't gonna stop me this time._****Gradually, the voices bled into the pine door, and as he turned the knob, he felt the flood of silent encouragement in the room behind him. Hoss opened the door and stepped into the sunshine****. ****_Findley, you're about to lose, again._**

**The journey before him seemed endless; the barn door loomed as if a lifetime away. He sensed his family behind him, and his chest swelled, his heart overflowing with promise. ****_I gotta leave Findley in the dirt where he belongs. _****Staring at the ground before him, Hoss lifted one foot, planting it squarely atop a measure of his pain. ****_One step at a time. _****Another step and the memory of his chains faded. He closed his eyes and reluctantly raised his head. The barn sat in the distance.****Would the voices remain silent, or would they taunt him, driving him back to the safety of the house? **

**Tentative steps gradually became firm, each one nourishing Hoss's healing spirit, and he lost all perspective of space and time. The barn door suddenly appeared, barely an arm's length away. ****_Ain't no chains in there. Ain't no shackles. Ain't nobody in there who's gonna hurt no one. _****He lifted his arm, carefully following his hand with watchful eyes. His fingertips lingered on the grain of the door, and he glanced at the door's latch and shivered. The memory of rusting, metal chains blanketed his vision. ****_It ain't real. _****He squinted, slumped his shoulders, and shook his head****. ****_I done opened this door a million times. Ain't nothin' gonna stop me from op'nin' it now. _**

**Hoss pressed against the door, the smell of hay and horses wafting into the yard, saturating his lungs with their familiar scents. He moved past the first stall, mindlessly grasping the support beam that bore the gashes left by his chains. A soft whimper from a far corner lured him. ****_Mandy. _****He freed his hand from the timber and stepped away from the stall. A faint, pitiful snivel from the back of the barn tugged at his heart. "Amanda?" **

**Amanda drew her knees against her chin and pulled herself further into the corner. Why couldn't everyone just leave her be? **

**"****Mandy?"**

**_Hoss?_****She held her breath****. ****_It can't be._**** She raised her head, blinking away her tears as Hoss peered around the wall of Chubb's stall. "Hoss?"**

**"****I'm sorry, Mandy." He melted to the floor, easing himself next to her. "I'm so sorry." **

**Amanda folded her legs beneath her and turned to face her husband. Her eyes engulfed him, tears trickling down her smiling cheeks. "You're here, Hoss! You're in the barn!" **

**His eyes locked onto hers. "I had to come. I saw you from the window, cryin' and runnin' through the yard. Weren't nothing could stop me."**

**"****Oh, Hoss." Amanda reached for his hands.**

**"****Don't." **

**She gasped as he pulled his hands away and slid against the wall, putting distance and questions between them.**

**"****Please, don't say nothin' till I say what needs to be said."**

**"****But, Hoss . . ."**

**"****Please, Mandy. Don't say nothin'."**

**Amanda was shattered. She'd seen him broken, his body bruised, his spirit tested beyond belief. She'd heard his voice, weakened by starvation, laden with surrender. She'd felt him shudder in her arms, taunted by voices, tormented by visions. But this . . . She'd never imagined him so vulnerable, his very core bared for her to see. **

**"****I reckon Doc Martin told you the rest about . . . 'bout what I done."**

**Amanda shaped her lips to speak, but his words echoed in her mind, and she nodded instead.**

**"****I'm sorry, Mandy, real sorry. You gotta know, I never meant to scare you. I never meant to scare no one."**

**Hoss's thoughts seemed to drift past her, and somehow Amanda knew they'd gone to the cradle in the bedroom.**

**"****I'd just as soon curl up 'n' die than scare Evie or you ever again. I was weary 'n' I was weak. I wanted the hurtin' to go away, 'n' I needed the nightmares to stop." **

**Amanda longed to hold him, to steal the haunting memories that she could barely imagine. **

**"****I shoulda come to you, but I didn't want you knowin' I wasn't strong enough." Hoss dropped his head and rested his chin on his knees. "Takin' too many of them powders . . . It was a fool thing to do."**

**Amanda stretched out her arm and laid a gentle hand on the center of his back. "It's all right, Hoss."**

**"****No, it ain't," Hoss said, his calm fading quickly. **

**Amanda recoiled as Hoss suddenly sprang to his feet.**

**"****It ain't all right that I scared my little girl, and it ain't right that I scared you!"**

**Amanda rose, took a tentative step, and whispered his name. **

**Hoss turned to her, and the anguish on his face seized her breath. **

**"****Oh, Lordy, I'm doin' it again!" He backed away, his head shaking, his hands raised in surrender. "I'm sorry, Mandy."**

**Amanda hugged her chest. Despair rippled through her, her sobs barely held at bay. "Don't say that!** **Don't apologize! Everything you've had to do, everything you've been through . . . I did this to you, Hoss. It's all my fault!"**

**He shook his head, and his face flushed with building anger. "No, darlin', the person to blame is Jackson Findley."**

**Amanda's pain erupted in sputters and moans and she doubled over, sobbing uncontrollably.**

**"****Oh, Mandy, I can't bear ta see you cry." **

**Hoss started toward her, but she backed away. "Oh, Hoss, don't you see? It's just like you said. Jackson's the one who caused heartache for you and your family. Jackson could have killed you all! But what you didn't say is I'm the one who brought Jackson into your lives!"**

**"****Amanda, sweetheart, you ain't responsible . . ."**

**"****Yes, I am." Amanda grasped the rail of Chubb's stall, the blood quickly draining from her knuckles. "That night at the restaurant in San Francisco, I chose to share a meal with you, in public, for everyone to see. Everyone, including the man Jackson had watching my every move." Amanda shivered. "After that night, I corresponded with you, and when you returned to San Francisco, I continued to see you. And Jackson was watching it all from his cell in prison." She released her grip on the wall, relieving her numbed fingers and the dull, thudding ache in her palms. Wringing her hands, she crossed the barn. **

**Hoss followed, respecting the distance she'd asked for. **

**"****I allowed myself to believe that Jackson would grant me a divorce. I'm the reason your family searched for you, suffered, and mourned you. If not for me, you wouldn't have been kidnapped and beaten and . . ." She closed her eyes, failing to erase the agony the Cartwrights had endured. "Oh, Hoss, as if that wasn't enough, I made the trip to Virginia City." Her eyes flew open with rage, and she turned to face Hoss. "I brought Jackson right to the front door of the Ponderosa! Randall followed me here and now he's dead! Don't you see, Hoss? I'm the one to blame for all of it!" She brushed against his arm as she rushed past him, heading for the barn door. "I'm sorry, Hoss. I wish I could go back and change . . ."**

**"****You don't mean that!" Hoss caught her by the arm. "I know you don't mean that!"**

**"****Oh, Hoss," she cried, "if it meant saving you from Jackson and his men, I'd . . ."**

**"****You'd do nothin'!" Hoss held Amanda by her shoulders. "Mandy, don't you see? All of this, from Findley's plan to steal your ranch, to the kidnappin', to me havin' to kill him, I wouldn't change a thing. I can only imagine how you suffered while you was married to him, and I'm sorrier than sorry that you 'n' my family went through hell when you thought I was dead. But I wouldn't take none of it back, none of it, 'cause if I did it'd mean losing you and Evie." **

**Hoss staggered backward, and Amanda witnessed the hollow chill that echoed the painful words. **

**"****Oh, Mandy, that'd kill me for sure!"**

**She reached for him. "Oh, Hoss, Evie and I, we're not going anywhere. I promise." Gently, she guided him to rest against the wall of Chubb's stall. **

**He dropped his hands limply atop his thighs, his head shaking, his eyes clinging to the safety of hers. "I'd gladly keep all the nightmares if I could just get rid of the one . . . the one where he takes Evie and you away from me."**

**Amanda knelt between his knees and cradled his face with her hands. "I've never lied to you, Hoss, and I never will." She ran her fingers over his brow and smoothed his unruly hair. "It won't be easy, but there are a lot of people ready to do anything they can to help you get rid of the dreams."**

**He bunched his lips and spoke to the barn floor. "I ain't used to lookin' for help, but I reckon what happened this mornin' done showed me the need." Tears trickled down his cheeks, and he ran his sleeve across his face. "I just don't know if I got the strength to fight."**

**Amanda moved closer and tipped Hoss's chin with her fingers. Reluctantly, he lifted his eyes, and she smiled as he yielded to the adoration on her face. "That's the most courageous thing I've ever heard."**

**"****I don't understand."**

**"****It takes a brave man to admit he needs help. And an even braver man to accept it." She sat on her haunches and pressed her hands to his chest. "You were raised to be a fighter, Hoss. No matter what Jackson and his gang did, you held on to the hope of escape. And when Jackson brought you here, battered and bruised, you gathered strength from God knows where and somehow, you managed to free yourself and save us all."**

**Hoss grasped her hands in his, holding them sandwiched between their hearts. "I didn't need to think about them things I did. I just wanted to get home to you. I could feel it and smell it, and I could remember what it was like when I wasn't wearin' them chains. But the nightmares . . . the voices 'n' the faces . . . they ain't real. How do I beat somethin' that ain't real?"**

**Amanda settled onto his lap and pulled his arms around her shoulders. "Look around, Hoss. I'm right here, and your family is just across the yard." She felt his breathing slow and his embrace tighten. "Despite the voices and the faces, you're in the barn! You've beaten that fear, Hoss, and you'll beat the nightmares, a little at a time. You won't be doing it alone anymore. You'll have us, all of us."**

**"****I love you, Mandy."**

**His breath was warm against her face, and when he kissed the top of her head, she shivered and snuggled deeper against his chest. "I love you, too." **

**Their breathing harmonized, soothing their souls, and as they surrendered to the calm of their embrace, a contented nicker from the stall launched the first laughter Amanda had heard from Hoss in months.**


	15. Chapter 15

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN**

The week that followed brought changes on the Ponderosa. Hoss replaced his twice-a-day laudanum with an after-dinner brandy, and although his nightmares continued, they were tempered and less frequent. He and Amanda moved into one of the Ponderosa's guest rooms, one where the walls and windows were free of ghosts and unsettling visions.

Amanda grew stronger, but Hoss worried that she was attempting too much too soon – although everyone appreciated Mrs. Shaughnessey's help, Amanda felt it was time to take over all the duties of motherhood. After much debate, Hoss agreed, and Mrs. Shaughnessey was thanked properly and promised babysitting duties for years to come.

Gradually, Hoss ventured more often from their new bedroom, taking meals with the family, spending relaxing evenings stretched out on the living room settee, even turning a blind eye during his nightly game of checkers with Joe.

To everyone's relief, Hoss's recovery seemed to be progressing at a rapid rate, but that progress came into question the morning Hoss offered to take Amanda to visit Randall's grave. What had started as a typical day on the ranch quickly evolved into a day filled with hurdles and disappointment. Later that evening, as the clock heralded midnight, Ben stared into the flames dancing in the hearth. How could things have taken such a turn in just a few, short hours?

Just after dawn, Amanda had prepared breakfast, her first time cooking for her husband, let alone her father and brothers-in-law. Everyone enjoyed the flapjacks, strawberry syrup, sausage, eggs, and biscuits, and Hoss beamed when he accepted his third helping.

"Mandy, I sure am glad ole Hop Sing left for San Francisco. He ain't never made biscuits so light 'n' fluffy."

Amanda blushed. "The lard should be cold. Not just chilled, cold. That's the secret."

Adam pushed back from the table and sighed. "Amanda, with my brother's appetite and meals like this, you're gonna need to invest in reinforced furniture!"

Hoss glared amid the giggles. "Older brother, keep that up, 'n' I just might use you for a couch!"

More laughter filled the room as Candy stood and began stacking the empty breakfast plates.

Joe grinned. "Uh, Candy, you forgot your apron."

Amanda quickly reached for the plates. "There's no need for that, Candy. And Joe, while I do so appreciate a gentleman stepping in to help a lady, as long as Evie's asleep, I am perfectly capable of doing these breakfast dishes."

Candy raised his hands in surrender, bumping Joe's shoulder as he did.

"Hey! What was that for?"

"Sorry, my apron must be too tight!"

Amanda giggled softly.

Ben grinned and cleared his throat. "Joseph, shouldn't you and Candy be leaving soon? I promised Mr. Peterson his bulls by Thursday afternoon."

"Pa's right." Joe wiped his mouth and pushed away from the table. "Oh, and Candy?"

"Huh?"

"Leave the apron."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

In the kitchen, Amanda wiped the last of the plates and placed it on the stack.

"Here, let me."

The tender voice behind her brought a smile to Amanda's lips. "Thank you, Hoss." As he lifted the stack onto the shelf, Amanda wiped her hands and removed her apron. "I'd best be getting ready. Evelyn will be awake soon. The timing couldn't be more perfect. I'll feed her, then we can go." Suddenly, her cheerful voice caught in her throat. "I'll pay my respects, and we can get back before she's ready to nurse again."

"I reckon."

Amanda searched her husband's eyes and rested her palms against his broad chest. "Hoss, I want to thank you, in advance, for taking me to Randall's grave. For a long time, he was my very best friend." Her hands slid to Hoss's waist, but her eyes never left his. "I miss him, but it's as if I'll turn a corner some day and he'll be standing there, ready to tease me about the hat I'm wearing or question my latest investments."

Hoss embraced her. "Mandy, I'm so sorry."

Amanda pulled away. "I know you are, Hoss. And it means the world to me that you're taking me to . . . to say goodbye."

"Mandy, I . . ."

Amanda's fingertips brushed his lips. "Sh. It's all right. Now, why don't you enjoy another cup of coffee while I go upstairs?"

"All right, darlin'. I got a few things I need to talk over with Pa. You just holler if ya need me up there."

"I always need ya, Hoss." Amanda stood on her toes and kissed him. "Now, go get that coffee."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"Is there a problem, Hoss?"

"Well, Pa, ya see, I was countin' on . . . I mean, I expected that . . . Well, when I told Mandy I'd take her to pay her respects, I reckoned Evie would stay here."

"That's fine, son."

With lowered eyes, Hoss rolled the edges of his napkin.

"When it comes to little ones, I do have a few years of experience under my belt."

Hoss avoided his father's eyes.

"Amanda needs to say goodbye, Hoss, and she'll need you there at her side. My granddaughter and I will get along just fine for a few hours."

"Ninety minutes."

"What did you say?"

"I said, ninety minutes."

Ben laced his fingers and placed his hands gingerly atop the table. "Ninety minutes." His voice belied his disappointment. "Hoss, the ride to the gravesite takes forty minutes under ideal conditions."

"Yes, sir."

"Then there's the forty minute ride back here."

"Yes, sir." Hoss's tone was matter-of-fact.

Ben stared at his hands and sighed. "You do realize you're allowing just ten minutes for Amanda to say her goodbyes."

"Yes, sir."

Ben's heart seized at his son's indifference. It had taken Ben months to believe Hoss was dead and even longer before he'd begun to accept the loss. "Hoss, Randall knew Amanda for years. He saw her through her father's death. He was her friend, her good friend."

"I know." Hoss raised his cup to his lips.

Ben felt he was speaking to a stranger, and the bruises on Hoss's wrist dictated Ben's words. "Paying respects to a loved one is never easy. Saying goodbye just naturally takes time."

"Amanda and I will be back here before Evie's ready for her nap. I know you and Adam'll keep the windows closed and the doors locked."

"Hoss, Adam won't be . . ."

"Look who's ready to spend some time with her grandpa."

Hoss hurried to the staircase.

As Amanda descended, Ben found himself torn between Hoss's expectations and his own. Hoss finding the courage to take this step filled Ben with hope, but at what cost to Hoss and Amanda's fledgling relationship? And would Hoss still venture out if he knew that Adam would be leaving soon for Virginia City?

"Ain't that right, Pa? Pa, I said, ain't that right?"

"Hm? Oh, I'm sorry, what did you say, Hoss?"

Wearing a worrisome expression, Hoss approached his father. "I said, ain't Evie the prettiest little thing you ever did see? But Pa, if you ain't up to watchin' her, we can go another time."

"Nonsense. You two go on." Ben reached for the baby, and Amanda slipped her into his waiting arms. He spoke to her parents, but his eyes were on his granddaughter. "Evelyn and I will get along just fine, won't we, sweetheart? Your Uncle Adam should have the buggy hitched up by now." Ben held the baby close and placed a hand on Amanda's arm. "Randall was lucky to have you as a friend. I have some experience with goodbyes. They're never easy. Just speak from your heart."

A nod was all Amanda could manage. Ben's eyes shone with compassion and strength, something she'd seen in Hoss's eyes the very day they'd first met. But now, as she turned to her husband, Amanda saw such fear and dread that she considered locking the doors and barring the windows, anything to bring the strength back into Hoss's eyes. She stepped toward her husband. "Hoss, maybe we . . ."

Adam flung the front door open. "The buggy's ready . . . Sorry, did I interrupt something?"

Ben shivered at the tension in the room. "I was just telling Amanda that losing a friend is difficult, at best, and that we're all here for her. Isn't that right, Hoss?"

"Yes, sir."

Hoss's flat reply thickened the tension, and both Adam and Ben noted Amanda's reaction.

"I was also saying that little Evelyn will have our full attention while her parents are gone."

Adam slipped his finger into the baby's fist. "She certainly will. And I'm sure Grandpa won't take his eyes off her when I . . ."

"When Uncle Adam gets busy with his chores," Ben snapped, his eyes quickly silencing Adam.

Amanda saw Hoss shift his weight from one leg to the other, and she watched as his eyes darted from the baby to the front door and back again. **_We have to go now, or he'll change his mind._** Donning her most convincing smile, Amanda took Hoss's hand, led him closer to Ben, and then leaned in to kiss Evie's forehead. "Mama and Papa will be back soon. You be a good girl for Grandpa and Uncle Adam." She waited for Hoss to move or speak, but he did neither. "There are diapers in the dresser, and there's a clean gown on the bed. The blankets are in the bottom drawers, and . . ."

"We'll be fine, dear." Ben handed Evie into Adam's arms and walked Amanda and Hoss toward the door. "Hoss, take care of Amanda. I know this can't be easy."

"Pa, I . . ."

Amanda watched his face pale. She squeezed his hand. "You can do this, Hoss. I love you. You can do this, for you, for me, for all of us."

The unnerving silence that followed was shattered when Evie, encouraged by Adam's playful expressions, puckered her lips and blew bubbles that burst and trickled down her chin.

Hoss chuckled, and Amanda relaxed as the color returned to his cheeks. **_You can do this. And I'll be with you every step of the way._**


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter Sixteen**

**With his hands planted firmly on his hips, Ben nodded as the buggy disappeared behind the barn.**

**"****She's really something." **

**"****Hm?"**

**Holding his niece securely against his chest, Adam stepped closer to his father. "I said, she's really something."**

**Ben turned and reached for his granddaughter. "Yes, yes, she is." **

**Adam chuckled. "I can't disagree, but I was talking about the other female Cartwright, the one who just left with your middle son."**

**Ben's lips brushed a light kiss on the top of Evie's head. "She loves Hoss, and he adores her. Those two things can only serve to make them stronger, separately and as husband and wife."**

**As Adam considered his father's words, the whirlwind of dust that had followed the buggy calmed, only to be scattered yet again by the unforgiving breeze. "Love and adoration may be enough for most newlyweds, but Amanda's living with the guilt of what Findley did to Hoss. As for him, we've seen the demons he's desperate to tame, not to mention the fact that fatherhood came as quite a surprise. Can love erase months of pain and fear, and is new love ready for a sudden addition," Adam leaned toward his niece and stroked her downy cheek, "even one as precious as this?"**

**Ben shook his head. "Love is never simple, Adam. Sometimes it comes easily, without fanfare. Sometimes it has to be earned."**

**Evie wriggled, then stiffened, and a coo burst from her lips. **

**Ben smiled down at his granddaughter. "And sometimes it pushes the bad times aside, making way for a future of hope and contentment."**

**"****Are you saying Evie will provide the love Hoss and Amanda need?"**

**"****In a year of choices, uncertainty, and suffering, this little one just might be the saving grace of us all."**

**. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . **

**Less than a mile from the house, apprehension washed over Amanda. Hoss's decision to venture from his home was nothing less than a miracle, but suddenly, the reason for their trip overshadowed her concern for him. How would she say goodbye to her friend, the man who'd seen her through times of loss and hopelessness?**

**Reflection dissolved into dread, and when the buggy jostled over a chuckhole, Amanda grabbed her husband's arm for support.**

**Hoss was quick to apologize. "Sorry 'bout that, Mandy." He tipped his head to the mare pulling the buggy. "You, too, Rosie. Dadblamed chuckhole snuck up on . . . Mandy, darlin', are you cryin'?"**

**"****No, I'm . . . Yes." She wouldn't lie to Hoss, not as Jackson Findley had lied to her. **

**Hoss pulled back on the reins, and as Rosie slowed, he turned toward Amanda and studied her face. "If you're not ready, we can go back and do this another day."**

**For a moment, Amanda considered asking Hoss to turn the buggy around. **

**"****Mandy?"**

**She reached up and stroked his cheek. The warmth in his crystal blue eyes was something she hadn't seen enough of since his return, and when he smiled, a tingle ran through her. "As long as you're by my side, I can do anything."**

**"****I'll do what I can, Mandy." Hoss clicked the mare to a trot, and when they came to a fork in the road, he made the turn for the Old Mill Bridge and the grave that lay just beyond the stream.**

**Early that spring, heavy rains had merged with the mountains' thaw, and the stream's banks had spilled out across the pasture. As warmer temperatures and arid winds evaporated the runoff, the road leading toward the bridge became plagued with ruts and littered with rocks.**

**That morning, the same searing heat had lured several children to the stream. Amanda followed Hoss's finger as he pointed toward the group, and she smiled when a roar of laughter erupted from the children as they splashed one another in the shallow water. As the buggy drew nearer, Hoss spied three slender poles suspended along the edge of the water. **

** "****Adam used to bring me here. Hop Sing would pack us a lunch, 'n' we'd grab our fishin' poles 'n' bait 'n' spend the day here at the Old Mill Bridge. Then, when Joe came along, we'd all come here, only it wasn't the Old Mill Bridge back then. 'Tweren't more than a rickety bunch o' beams 'n' boards."**

**Amanda smiled at Hoss's relaxed tone, and when the buggy's wheel hit a small pile of rocks, she leaned against his shoulder.**

**"****Sometimes, we'd bring Hop Sing a mess of fish for dinner, 'n' sometimes we'd spend the afternoon doin' what those youngins are doin'."**

** "****They're having quite a time, aren't they? Do you know them?"**

**Hoss squinted. "The tall one on the right's Richie Cotter. The one next to him is Dan Dillon. That little one along the bank is Dan's little sister, Irene. And the little gal sittin' on the edge is . . . Linda . . . no, Lisa . . ."**

**At that moment, Irene Dillon lost her footing and let out a spine-chilling scream, and the reins in Hoss's hand jerked against his fingers. **

**"****Easy there." Hoss's even tone did nothing to soothe the frightened mare. The reins tugged against his palms, and he adjusted his grip again and again. "Hey, now, Rosie girl, don't let them youngins bother ya none." **

**The mare squealed and tossed her head left and right. **

**"****Hang on, Mandy. Ole Rosie ain't in the mood to behave herself!"**

**Amanda grasped the arm rest with one hand and Hoss's thigh with the other.**

**"****Dadburnit, Rosie, slow down!"**

**The spooked mare picked up speed. The buggy wobbled and pitched, springs creaking, wheels grinding against the frame. **

**In the stream, Irene scrambled to her feet, and along with the other children, stared at the buggy careening toward the bridge.**

** "****Whoa! Whoa! Hang on, Mandy!"**

**Rosie left the road, and the buggy wheels arched and dropped over rocks and into holes. Amanda lost her grip on the rail, and she slid first against Hoss, then back against the side frame. Reaching for Hoss's arm, she righted herself, but her sigh of relief was premature.**

**A deep cavity in the pasture hurled Amanda against the front rail, and with one hand, Hoss pulled her back against the seat. Reaching for the bruise just above her eye, she winced and moaned. **

** "****Mandy! Hang on, darlin', hang on!"**

**His brow furrowed, and he braced his legs against the dash, but try as he might, he was unable to anticipate the flummoxed mare's path. "Whoa! Whoa, you dadburned . . ." **

**Suddenly, Rosie broke free. The buggy flipped and rolled, tossing Amanda free of the wreckage, and pinning Hoss beneath its frame.**

**As the stunned children rushed across the pasture, Hoss forced his eyes open against the glaring sun. Lifting his head, he sputtered as he spit bits of dirt from his mouth. ****_The mare, the buggy. _****"****Mandy!" Sliding his hands beneath his chest, he pressed his palms against the ground and thrust himself up against the buggy frame. Weakened slats and damaged metal separated, and the frame rose up with ease. "Mandy!"**

** "****Hoss."**

**The voice sent a shiver of relief down his spine. "Mandy!" He twisted, sending the buggy toppling to his left. Scrambling to his feet, he ignored the stabbing pain from his healing ribs, and after several stumbles, he started for his wife. "Mandy, darlin', are ya hurt?"**

**Lying prone, Amanda tried to sit, and she gasped as she bent her right leg. "Stop!"**

**Hoss wrinkled his brow. "Mandy, I . . ."**

**"****Stop, Hoss! Don't come any closer!"**

**He cocked his head and started forward again, freezing at the dreaded sound of a rattlesnake threatening to strike. **

**Tears trickled down Amanda's anxious face. "What do I do?"**

**Hoss stared, entranced by the coiled snake.**

**"****Did you hear me, Hoss?" Amanda raked her fingers through the dirt, desperate to drag herself to safety. "Hoss, please!" She reached behind her, clutching at the outcropping blocking her way. "Hoss, I've got no place to go!"**

**Tiny beads of sweat swelled and skated down Hoss's vacant face. **

**"****Hoss!" The snake uncoiled and skittered toward Amanda. "Hoss, do something!"**

**The rattler stopped, its tongue darting in and out. **

**Amanda stole a glance at Hoss. His pale skin and heaving chest frightened her. ****_Rattlesnakes. That's what started his torture!_**

**The snake slithered forward, inching its way closer to Amanda's leg. "Hoss, shoot it, Hoss!"**

**A chain reaction followed the piercing gunshot. The approaching children stopped dead in their tracks; a sob escaped Amanda's throat, and she shielded her eyes from the entrails scattered at her feet, and Hoss, dazed, collapsed to his knees, clutching his head in his hands.**

**Dan Dillon stepped closer, his eyes fixed on the smoking pistol. "You did it, mister! You saved that pretty lady!"**

**"****Geez, Hoss, I'm real sorry," Irene cried. "I didn't mean to spook your horse." She turned and looked up at the man holstering his gun. "I don't like snakes! You sure it's dead, mister?"**

**Lisa peeked out from behind Richie. "I don't like snakes, neither. It's dead, right?"**

**Adam slid from his saddle and dropped the reins. His worried eyes never left his kneeling brother, and the apprehension he'd felt that morning returned. Had Hoss broken his promise? Was he still taking laudanum?**

**"****Didja hear me, mister?" Lisa still clung to Richie's arm. "Is the bad snake dead?"**

**"****Yeah, it's dead. You kids all right?"**

**Richie followed Adam's gaze. "We're all right, but I think Hoss got hurt when that buggy landed on him. He must be hurt. He didn't even try to help that lady."**

**Hoss dropped his hands to his thighs and struggled to his feet. "Mandy, I'm sorry."**

**Trembling, Amanda stood. "I know, Hoss." **

**Adam considered each of the children. At their young ages, would they say or do something to further upset Hoss? He crouched in front of Irene. "Everything's all right now, so why don't you all go back to the stream and catch a mess of fish for your suppers?"**

**Irene studied Adam and smiled, showing her missing front teeth. "Okay, mister." She looked past him, glancing at Amanda, and then at Hoss. "Is that lady and Mister Hoss gonna be all right?"**

**"****Yes, sweetheart, they'll be all right." ****_I hope_****_._**


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

"Due to huge demands, the industry is expanding tenfold. Therefore, in the near future, the price of properly milled lumber is expected to rise to unprecedented highs." Ben paused, lowering the **_Territorial Enterprise_** as the tiny bundle on his lap squirmed. "That's right, Evie. The men who work at our mill take pride in cutting the proper trees and filling the lumber orders in a timely fashion, and that's why the mill is so busy all the . . ."

When her grandpa's placid voice suddenly disappeared, Evie let out a single, muffled grunt. Ben smiled down at her. "We'll finish our little talk later, sweetheart. It sounds like we're about to have company."

Determined footfall worried Ben, and when the front door flew open, he pulled Evie against his chest. "What . . . Oh, it's you. I didn't expect . . ."

"Not now, Pa."

Ben rose to greet his middle son. "What's wrong?" He watched the open doorway, his frantic eyes searching for his daughter-in-law. "Where's Amanda?"

Hoss averted his eyes and continued toward the staircase. He grabbed the handrail and took two steps at a time. Midway up the stairs, he stopped and turned, his fingers clutching the banister. "Mandy's with someone who can take care of her."

Ben started for the stairs. "Son, tell me what's happened?"

Hoss spoke with clenched teeth and downcast eyes. "Adam was supposed to be here watchin' out for Evie, not riding to the Old Mill Bridge!"

Hoss took the stairs two at a time. "I'm a coward, plain and simple. A coward." As he disappeared at the top of the stairs, Ben stood, clinging to Evie, his mouth agape. He turned sharply at the sounds on the front porch.

"Amanda! You shouldn't be walking on that leg until Doc Martin takes a look."

"I'm perfectly fine, Adam. It's just a bruise! I have to check on Evie and then get to Hoss."

"Stubborn female! Here, lean on me."

Ben hurried to the door, further shaken by Amanda's torn dress and mussed hair. "What happ . . .? Get her to the settee. I'll get some water."

"No." Amanda leaned toward Ben, pulled the blanket down around Evie's chest, and forced a weak smile. "She's safe and sound in her grandpa's arms." She looked up at Ben. "I'm going up to Hoss."

Adam nodded at his father's questioning glance. "I'll get you up to the room."

"Adam, I'm perfectly capable . . ."

"You're going up to your husband, and I'm getting you there in one piece!"

Amanda surrendered with a nod.

"Besides, if you do any more damage to that leg, we'll be waiting on you hand and foot for days to come!"

Amanda ignored Adam's attempt to lighten the tension. "Let's go, then!"

Ben waited impatiently as Amanda was escorted to the second floor. He paced the room twice, and Evie drifted off to sleep in his arms. Gently, he slipped her into her cradle, and as Adam descended the steps, Ben stepped across the room to meet him.

"Adam, what in blazes happened? How did you end up with Hoss and Amanda? What did Hoss mean, he's a coward? That's . . ." Ben swallowed his words when Evie stirred, and whispering, said, "That's preposterous!"

Adam shushed his father and guided him to the dining room. "Let's sit down, and I'll fill you in."

Ben sat quickly, anxious for details. "Well, what happened?"

Adam recounted all he knew, from the moment he left his father and Evie on the Ponderosa to the tense scene he rode up on at Old Mill Bridge. "I had the contracts in my saddlebags, and I was coming up on the Virginia City turnoff. That's when I heard someone scream."

"Amanda?"

"Yes. The buggy was overturned. I rode closer and that's when I saw the snake. It was menacing, Pa, going after Amanda. I'm sure of it. And Hoss . . . Pa, Hoss was standing there. It was as if he wasn't aware of what was going on."

"Hoss was just standing there?"

"Yeah." Adam paused, waiting for his father's conclusion.

"The snake was moving toward Amanda and Hoss was just . . . ? Rattlesnake."

Adam nodded.

Ben exhaled heavily. "Adam, you don't think Hoss took more laudanum?"

Adam laced his fingers together and stared at his hands. "Hoss was . . . He was more like himself after I shot the snake. I don't think he took any, Pa. I don't think he'd take it ever again, not after what happened."

"Hoss's biggest fear is that something bad will happen when they leave the house." Ben wiped his face with his hand. "He was so positive when they left this morning. I thought . . . hoped . . ."

"I know, Pa, so did I."

Father and son sat in silence. Moments later, Adam overloaded the cold fireplace, and Ben stared at the pages of his book.

Upstairs, that path eluded Amanda and Hoss as well.

She'd limped down the hallway, unsure of what to say or do. Finding the bedroom door closed, she turned the knob and entered slowly. Against the glare of the midday sun, she found Hoss standing at the window, his shoulders slumped, his fingers clenching.

She braced herself and approached her husband. "Hoss?"

"I thought Adam was stayin' here with Pa 'n' Evie."

It wasn't like Hoss to avoid the obvious.

Amanda sat on the edge of the bed. "Adam was here for a bit, Hoss. He had business in Virginia City, pressing business. It takes a lot to run a ranch the size of the Ponderosa."

Hoss moved his head, his eyes angry and confused. "Don't you think I know that?"

"I . . . I didn't mean . . ."

"We left Evie with Pa and Adam. He shoulda stayed here to protect her. Better yet, we shoulda stayed home where we belong."

Amanda bristled. She jumped to her feet and stood directly in front of Hoss. "Your father adores Evie, and he is more than capable of caring for her for a few hours. You know that."

"I know he loves her, but . . ."

"Please, let me finish."

Hoss shook his head and brushed past her. "Look what happened today. We went for a simple buggy ride 'n' we coulda been hurt or killed just 'cause Rosie got spooked! And then who would've taken care of Evie?"

Amanda grasped his arm and turned him around. "A simple buggy ride? Is that all it was to you, Hoss? Because it was more, much more, to me!" The tears she'd held at bay burst free, fueling her frustration. "No one could have foreseen that those children would spook our mare!"

Hoss shook her hand from his arm. "And no one could have predicted that Hoss Cartwright would stand there, shaking, while his older brother shoots a rattler that's jist about to strike his wife!"

Amanda reached for him, but he swept by her and headed for the door. As he crossed the threshold, he grasped either side of the frame and stomped his foot against the floor. "You're married to a coward, Amanda, a dadblamed coward."

Before she could breathe, he pounded the door frame. Amanda jerked and stifled a scream. Hoss hung his head and disappeared down the back stairs.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

From the dining room, Ben and Adam heard the thud of the kitchen door. Adam let out a low whistle, and Ben exhaled heavily as he snatched his book from the chair side table. Adam anticipated something, anything, from his father, but at a glance Adam knew the words on his father's page were as silent as the man himself.

"Aren't you going to talk to Hoss?"

"No."

Adam's eyebrow rose at his father's matter-of-fact tone. "Did you say no?"

"That's right." Ben turned a page, ignoring the fact that the book was upside down.

"Then I'll talk to him." Adam bounded to his feet.

Ben closed his book. "Sit down, son."

Adam's stare bubbled with questions.

"Sit down."

Adam sat, anxiously wringing his hands, waiting for his father to raise his eyes. Impatient, Adam stood, slammed his hands into his trouser pockets, and crossed to the window. "The least we can do is to make sure he's all right." Pulling the curtain's corner, he peered into the yard.

"He's not all right." Ben leaned forward, his elbows resting on his thighs, his hands clasped together. "He won't be, for some time."

Seconds ticked away in the silence until Ben's eyes darted toward his son. "Well, what's he doing?"

Adam dropped the curtain and made his way back to the living room. "He's standing at the corral, staring at Rosie or the ground or who knows what."

Lost in reflection, Ben rested his chin against his fingers. "Did you hear what Hoss said just as you and Amanda came inside?"

Adam thought, then shook his head.

Ben stood and slowly propped a foot atop the hearth. "He called himself a coward."

The torment in his father's voice tugged at Adam's heart, and he turned to face his father. "Isn't that all the more reason to talk to him, make him understand he's wrong?"

Ben pursed his lips and tossed a stray hunk of wood into the flames. "He stood by while a rattler went after his wife."

Adam scratched his ear. "That's what it looked like, but . . ."

"That's the way it was, Adam, and Hoss knows it."

"But there's more to it. My brother's no coward."

"I agree."

Adam's patience was wearing thin. "And?"

Ben rose to his full height, placing his foot firmly against the floor. "We're all of us dealing with more than what happened at the bridge this morning. While it's true Hoss's nightmares are beginning to lessen, the guilt he feels over everything that's happened in the last year is eating at him."

"So, we do nothing to help?" Adam shoved his fists against his hips. "We just stand by and hope Doctor Martin's research uncovers some sort of, what did he call it, therapy? And meanwhile, Hoss spends one day with his tail between his legs and the next with his head lowered and his horns blazing!"

"Adam, it's like Paul said. There's no right or wrong way to help Hoss. We're at the mercy of those more knowledgeable and a whole lot of trial and error."

"And my brother is the one suffering while we try this and that!"

"Keep your voice down!" Ben practically huddled with his eldest. "Hoss is suffering the most, by far." Pointing upstairs, his voice was hushed. "But Amanda is suffering, too." Ben lowered his arm and knelt next to the cradle.

Adam had seen the weariness on his father's face. "And so are you."

"We're all . . . adjusting."

Adam's silence was unexpected, and Ben suddenly felt the weight of his eldest son's concerns.

"Pa, I hardly think Hoss considers what happened at Old Mill Bridge to be 'adjusting'!" Adam glanced at his sleeping niece and quickly led Ben away from the cradle. "Have you stopped to think what would have happened this morning if I hadn't been on my way to town?"

"Of course I have, Adam, and if they haven't already, so will Hoss and Amanda. None of us knows what would have happened if you hadn't been there at that precise moment. The snake could have abandoned its approach."

Adam shook his head. "You and I both know that once a rattler settles in on its prey, a strike is inevitable."

"Yes, you're right. But Hoss might have shaken himself free of his memories and found the wherewithal to fire on the rattler. We just can't know for sure."

Adam's frustration shone in his stance. "You're saying there's nothing we can do?" Adam followed Ben's eyes to the baby sleeping in the cradle.

"I'm saying as much as we want to, we can't fix things. We have to let Hoss and Amanda know we'll stand beside them, let them find a routine and ease into it. Give time a chance to fill Hoss with new memories, happy memories."

"So, you are planning on speaking to Hoss . . . and Amanda."

Ben nodded. "Eventually. Adam, sometimes, a man needs to hear from his wife before he hears from his father."

The sound of the kitchen door stopped Ben mid-sentence.

When the back staircase failed to creak, Adam casually crossed the room, stepped behind his father's desk, and peered once again between the curtains. "Well, I'll be. Pa, c'mere."

Ben joined his son, the two spying as Amanda made her way past the porch and toward the corral, coming to rest against the fence next to Hoss.

"Adam, we really shouldn't eavesdrop."

"Eavesdrop is such an ugly word." Adam craned his neck closer to the window. "It implies listening in, and Pa, I don't know about you, but I can't hear a thing from here."

Ben stood on his toes. "Semantics, son, semantics." With his fingertips, he pushed the curtain panel further aside.

"Looks like Hoss is staying put. That's a step in the right direction."

Ben drew the curtains closed, nodded his head to the right, and led a reluctant Adam toward the settee. Adam settled in, _The Territorial Enterprise_ in hand, and Ben made himself comfortable, his righted book in his lap. Before either Cartwright had the chance to complete a sentence, the cradle teetered and Evie let out a screech. Adam got to the baby a second before his father.

"Sounds like someone's hungry."

Ben laughed. "Good try, son, but you know the routine. Diaper change before feeding, and you get to do the honors."

"You have the experience, Pa. Why me?"

"First one to the cradle changes the diaper."

"And who made up that rule?"

Ben squared his shoulders and strolled for the kitchen. "I did."

Out at the corral, swishing tails and an occasional, short blow were the only sounds to be heard. When she stepped to her place at his side, Hoss greeted Amanda with a nervous sweep of the yard, and when he finally nodded, she breathed a sigh of relief that he hadn't insisted she turn around and go back inside.

In the corral, Rosie rooted through a patch of sweet grass. The mishap that morning had frightened the usually docile mare. With Adam and Amanda riding double on Sport, Hoss had called on his gentlest words to soothe Rosie's nerves as they returned from the bridge.

Amanda climbed onto the fence's lower rail. "Rosie, are you feeling better?"

Rosie raised her head, her ears pressed forward.

Amanda smiled and held out her hand. "Come here, girl."

The mare started across the corral.

"Mandy, Rosie was mighty outta sorts this mornin'." Hoss reached for his wife's waist. "You'd best stay back!"

Amanda quickly pulled her hand to her side. Her husband had been through enough that day, and she wouldn't intentionally do anything to give him cause for concern.

Confused by Amanda's actions, Rosie slowed as she approached the fence. When the mare busied herself with her appetite, Hoss leaned his forearms against the top rail and propped his chin against his wrist.

Amanda reached out, laying her hand against Hoss's broad back. Except for the sound of Rosie tearing at the grass, the couple stood in silence once again.

The afternoon breeze delivered itself in wisps and mild gusts, and from time to time, Amanda fussed with the curls that had fallen against her cheeks. She welcomed the quiet, but as it lingered, she felt her courage waning.

Hoss managed the quiet with thoughts of anything and everything except the events of that morning. He ticked off a list of chores and counted the number of times Rosie dug at the ground with her hoof, but the words he'd uttered aloud prowled the edges of his mind. **_I'm a coward._**

Finally, Amanda's mind wandered from the forced calm of the yard to the house. Anticipating Evie's impending need for a feeding, she chewed on her lip and gathered the courage to speak.

"Hoss, I'm . . ."

"Mandy, I'm . . ."

They both laughed.

"Ladies first."

"No, Hoss, you go."

Hoss turned to Amanda and smiled a lopsided smile. "I reckon I know where I should begin, but I ain't sure what ta say."

Amanda gave him an encouraging nod.

The breeze caught a curl of her hair and sent it from her shoulder to her cheek, and when Hoss reached to brush the lock back into place, Rosie swung her head against Hoss's elbow.

"Rosie!" Amanda giggled, her eyes sparkling in the sunshine.

Hoss's heart skipped at the pureness of her beauty. She smiled up at him, and his breath caught in his throat. He stroked her cheek, letting his fingertips trail past her chin and onto her neck. "Mandy, I'm as sorry as I can be for what happened this morning. And I know apologies are just words." He drew his hand away and turned downcast eyes back to the corral. "It's actions that make a man a man."

"Hoss . . ."

"Please, let me finish."

Amanda laid a reassuring hand against his back.

"I've been thinkin' about everything that was said and done, 'n' I know now that I never gave Pa a chance to tell me Adam needed to go into Virginia City today."

The look of relief on Amanda's face matched the glimmer in her eyes. Hoss needed his family, and the thought of him being at odds with his brother and father had weighed heavily on her mind.

Hoss laced his fingers together and rested his forehead atop his hands.

Amanda heard his focused exhale.

Hoss turned his head to her. "About what happened . . . I meant what I said. I'm a coward."

Amanda's argument was stayed by the pain in his eyes.

"That rattler . . . I shoulda . . . I guess I just wasn't ready to be away from the house yet. Or maybe I was too much of a coward to admit it. I shoulda asked Pa or Adam to take you to pay your respects."

Amanda's fingertips traced circles of encouragement on his back. She longed to hold him in her arms, but he'd asked her to let him have his say.

"I don't wanna be a coward. I wanna be a man, a man who ain't afraid to ask for help when it comes to takin' care of his wife 'n' his little girl."

Amanda's lips trembled, and he pushed away from the fence rail and took hold of her shoulders. "I'm gonna ask Pa to take you to Randall's grave tomorrow mornin', 'n' I'm gonna ask Adam to stay here 'n' help me keep an eye on Evie."

Amanda nodded, tears pooling in her eyes.

"I'm gonna keep tryin', Mandy. Maybe, in a few days, we can pack a basket 'n' the five of us can walk down to the pond for a picnic." He looked down at her smiling face. "I know how much you like picnics 'n' we ain't never had one on the Ponderosa."

Amanda chewed on her bottom lip.

"Would ya like that, Mandy?"

She blinked and quickly swiped at the tear skittering down her left cheek. "A picnic on the Ponderosa would be wonderful, Hoss, whether it's down by the pond or on a blanket in the living room."

Hoss wrinkled his nose. "A picnic in the house?"

"It doesn't matter where we are, Hoss, as long as we're together."

He stared into her eyes, their tenderness making him weak in the knees. With a gentle hand, he pulled her toward him. "Mandy, you 'n' Evie deserve a real picnic, 'n' . . ."

"And so do you." Amanda smiled up at him.

Hoss placed a finger to her lips.

Amanda kissed his finger. "I know, let you finish."

Hoss smiled broadly, and the hue of his eyes deepened as the smile faded. "You 'n' Evie deserve a husband 'n' papa who can give you everything you need." He held fast to her shoulders. "Pa always taught us there ain't no shame in askin' for help, 'n' well, I'm askin' ya, please, to help me get better, to help me be the Hoss I used to be. I don't know that I can do it without you, Mandy."

Amanda stood on her toes and gently kissed his lips. "What you just said, as much as the way you said it, proves that you're the Hoss you used to be, the Hoss I met that night in San Francisco, the Hoss I will always love."

Hoss brushed a wisp of blowing hair behind her ears. "But . . ."

Amanda pressed a fingertip to his lips. "Let me finish."

Hoss chuckled, his eyes sparkling.

Amanda took his hands in hers, and her face sobered. She exhaled, her eyes never straying from his. "If I was upset, made a mistake, did something completely out of character, something that could cause harm, what would you do?"

He shook his head. "Mandy, I . . ."

"Please, Hoss, humor me."

He furrowed his brow, cocked his head, and sighed. "I'd make sure you were okay." He straightened his head and his expression relaxed. "Then I'd hold you just to be sure, 'n' then I reckon I'd ask you what happened 'n' we'd work things out together."

Gently, Amanda laid her palms against his chest. "And what would you do if one day Evie seemed fussy, out of sorts, just not herself?"

Hoss's eyes drifted to the house, and Amanda felt his chest's rise and fall quicken. She slid her hand to his neck, and when her fingertips caressed his cheek, a measure of serenity washed over him.

"We all want Evie to be happy and healthy, always." Amanda slid her hand back to his chest. "But what would you do?"

Hoss took a deep breath. "I'd hold her close, make sure she knows her papa's gonna take care of her."

Amanda's eyes welled.

"I reckon then I'd come to you, see if you know how to help. Then we'd ask Pa." Pride flashed across his face. "He knows a lot about little ones."

Amanda nodded.

"If Pa couldn't help, we'd get her to Doc Martin." Hoss smiled. "I think Evie likes him. That's important, 'cause I don't ever want her to be afraid when she's not feelin' her best."

Amanda's hands slithered to his waist and she leaned into him and laid her head against his chest.

Hoss wrapped his arms around her and kissed the crown of her head.

She pulled back slightly, just enough that she could see his face. "You asked me to stand by you, to help you get better."

"Yeah, I did."

Amanda leveled her shoulders. "Well, Hoss, I'm a Cartwright, and Cartwrights don't walk away when someone they love is in need. And I love you, Hoss. I'll stand by you, the same as you would me if I made a mistake, the same as you would Evie if she wasn't feeling good."

Hoss listened intently.

"There's nothing you can't overcome when your family's behind you. I'm not going anywhere, Hoss. None of us are. You asking for help makes you the bravest man I know."

Hoss pulled her close. "I'm gonna do it, Mandy. I'm gonna get rid of them chains once and for all. I can do it, as long as you're by my side. I love you, Mandy."

"I love you, too."

"Evie's awake, Amanda."

The call from the doorway interrupted their embrace.

"Adam's changed her, and she's asking for her mama."

"Be right there." Amanda took hold of Hoss's hands. "Keep me company while I feed Evie?"

Hoss nodded.

She slipped her arm beneath his and started for the house. "Do you think Evie would like to meet Rosie?"

Hoss's arm tensed.

"Maybe we could all come out to the corral this afternoon."

The door opened before Hoss could answer, and his eyes brightened when he saw his daughter in Adam's arms.

"What's this about the corral this afternoon?" Adam asked.

Amanda felt the familiar tingle as Evie gurgled and cooed. "Hoss?" Amanda whispered.

Hoss cocked his head, smiled, and nodded. "That's a right nice idea, Mandy." He reached for Evie, and as Adam slid his hand free, her blanket fell loose and tumbled to the ground. "Uncle Adam, wouldja get that? This little one has an empty tummy to fill." Hoss held Evie close as he marched for the stairs. "And after your mama's done seein' to you, how's about Papa, Mama, Uncle Adam, and Grandpa take you out by the corral?"

Amanda fell in behind Hoss, but her smiling eyes shifted from Ben to Adam and back again.

"Maybe we'll even see Grandpa's horse."

Amanda's heart skipped.

"His name's Buck. And then there's Uncle Adam's horse. His name's Sport. And you can meet Rosie, too. But first, Papa wants you to meet Chubb."

Evie wriggled and foamy bubbles pooled around her lips.

"You're gonna like ole Chubb."

As Hoss, Evie, and Amanda rounded the upstairs hallway, Ben and Adam stood at the foot of the stairs.

"New memories."

Ben's chest swelled and he let out a sigh. "That's right, Adam. New memories."

~~ finis ~~


End file.
